Dear We Love Dates,
I’ve been dating this really fantastic guy for about a month and a half. We get along so well and have a great connection: emotionally, mentally & physically (the chemistry between us is off the charts!) I’m really falling for this guy and can tell he is really into me too. Everything was going really well until the other night when he dropped the bomb that he wants to “open up” our relationship. He said that he has feelings for me but that he’s not used to being in a committed, serious relationship. He says that “open relationships” are more “modern” and will allow us to have the best of both worlds: be committed to each-other but also allow us to see other people. Is this kind of thing normal these days? I only want to date him but I’m worried that if I don’t give this open relationship thing a shot I’ll lose him altogether. Help! – Elisa
From sexy perfume ads that show an orgy of beautiful models, to talk about threesomes in movies, films & music, it’s easy to feel like monogamous relationships are a thing of the past. As our society becomes more openminded about alternatives to traditional monogamy, the term “open relationship” has become trendy and more commonplace. However, with that said, just because something is “normal” to one person, doesn’t mean it has to be “normal” to you.
One of my best friends was recently in a similar situation as you. She met and fell for a guy who claimed he could only ever have an open relationship. He’d recently read the book “Sex at Dawn” which discusses how humans originally lived in groups and were non-monogamous. He told her the same thing: that dating multiple people at the same time was the “natural” thing for us to do. It’s true that non-monogamous relationships definitely work better for some people, however after a lot of soul searching my friend decided that being with someone who was with multiple people at the same time would never work for her. At the end of the day she realized that this guy was looking to have his cake and eat it too. She discovered this when she left him and he came crawling back, begging for forgiveness and willing to do anything to get her back (including giving up his other girls on the side)
The bottom line is this: there is nothing wrong with wanting to date multiple people at the same time, or being in an open relationship, however both parties have to be open and comfortable with the arrangement. In other words, it’s only going to work if it’s what you both want. The fact that you say you only want to date him, says it all. When it comes to dating and relationships, you should never compromise on what you really want or put yourself in a situation where you don’t feel emotionally safe (i.e. dating someone who has feelings for other people) Discuss openly with him exactly how you feel and what your boundaries are. There’s the possibility that once he hears that you’re really serious about him that he’ll reconsider wanting to date other people. However, if that’s not the case, stick to your guns and walk away. Although it will suck, essentially you’re losing someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you – which is to date you and only you. Good Luck!