September 1st, 2010 by Elizabeth Marie

If He’s Not Calling, Is He Thinking About Me?


Last week I read a tweet to the effect of, “If he’s thinking about you, he’s calling you.” Meaning of course, that if our phones are not constantly lighting up, blinking, flashing and ringing that this guy is DEFINITELY NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU, DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY RUN STRAIGHT TO THE HAAGEN DAAZ and read He’s Not Just That Into You for the 20th time, dumbass. I’ve met great guys online, but find myself obsessing over how long he takes to text me back or wondering why he didn’t call when he said he would. I’ve lost sleep over it, and totally stressed myself out.

Um, what? Can I call bullshit? BULLSHIT.In the grand scheme of things I understand what this 140 character blurb’s intention was. To empower women! To remind them that they deserve better!  They/We/Us deserves someone who wants to talk all.the.time, text all.the.time-yet we want this without having to WANT it, or shudder-come across as “needy.” Our worst fear has become being called a Stage 5 Clinger. It’s like my favorite Jennifer Aniston line in The Break Up-“I want you to WANT to do the dishes.” Who the hell WANTS to do this dishes? Not this girl.

I sent one of my best friends the above tweet and her response was brilliant. “That’s not true dude. We think about them all the time and aren’t calling them. I’m thinking about HIM right now but I’m not calling/texting/sending him a messenger pigeon. Why does he have to and why does that mean he isn’t thinking about me?”

Every relationship is different, every relationship stage and for that matter, every guy. I’ve dated guys who are texting/calling MONSTERS and at the beginning it’s fun but over a while…what do we need to say…especially when I know I’ll be SEEING him later on that day? And then…you start to expect it, right? I feel like all these one line quotes-“If he likes you, it only takes 30 seconds to shoot a text” can be ridiculously dangerous. (In the beginning of a dating relationship, I understand this a little more. But as things progress…shouldn’t your relationship?)

In all honesty-I struggle with this. I’m a girl, and especially around certain times of the month, I tend to throw all remnants of rationale out the window and forget.  I forget that it’s NOT ALL ABOUT ME. OR US. I forget that his job is ridiculously stressful, and his boss makes him crazy so the fact that he isn’t texting/calling between 8-5 is not a reflection upon how he feels about me. OR if he’s thinking about me.  And you know what? Even if he’s not thinking about me at all times…I’m ok with that.  He works hard. He’s a social butterfly, he’s a loving son, cousin and uncle. He’s a surfer and mountain biker and tries to squeeze as much into the rest of his day as possible and you know what else?

He’s a great guy and I’m not going to turn into some crazed lunatic drama queen just because he isn’t calling or texting 24/7. Have some confidence. And if he’s not giving you what you need, what your heart needs-phone calls, or otherwise…maybe he’s not the one for you.

He calls me to make plans or when there is something important to talk about. He tries to text me/bbm me during the work day if it allows. He remembers the important things and when he’s with me, he’s 100% PRESENT. When we’re together, his phone, I’ve noticed, is never in use. He tells me how he feels and most importantly, he shows me.  I know where I stand-I just need to remember that. One thing I do believe is that if a guy wants to be with you, he will.  But can’t he show that in different ways…in his own way? And if I need more non face to face communication-aren’t we all adults?! Can’t I talk to him about this…if it begins to bother me? I’m sure some of you will think I have a raging case of denial, but I’ve spent too much of my dating time worrying about insignificant things like text messages and negating the things that actually count.

When I unfortunately do get that yucky feeling because it’s 4pm on a Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him yet, maybe I’ll re-read this post.  I’ll remember that I wanted a guy with a full life, who is there when it counts, and I’ll be thankful for him. When it comes to dating, women can sometimes be conditioned to expect the worst of men, and it’s horribly unfair. I’ll expect the best-because it’s all he’s shown me anyway. Maybe on these days, I’ll shoot him a short text-“Hope you’re having a good day!” Without expecting anything back. Perhaps it will make him smile. Relationships are a two way street, after-all. Sometimes I feel like this is so forgotten. And then I’ll go live my life, letting go of these silly rules and expectations-I need a free hand to grab my PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE, anyway. :)

Um. Sidenote. I don’t deal with the whole “he hasn’t called/texted for 3-4 days” game. If a guy hasn’t reached out to you in that amount of time…you’re too cute for that, you’re too amazing for games. MOVE ON. ALSO-if he never responds to your calls or texts…MOVE ON. And sign up for We Love Dates, of course!

I was inspired to write this post after reading another tweet…time by Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker fame-it really made sense to me-“He who calls more has the most interest…and the least control.”

 

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Liz is We Love Dates social media manager. A former marketing account executive in the fashion industry, a bad breakup spurred Liz to start her first blog 5 years ago and she has been happily over-sharing with anyone who will read ever since. Obsessed with all things dating, love and tech, Liz has been referred to as the brunette Carrie Bradshaw on more than one occasion. If it's a day that ends in "Y", most likely you will find Liz furiously typing away on her laptop with a huge espresso nearby. Or two. Follow her every thought on Twitter and Google+.

38 Responses to “If He’s Not Calling, Is He Thinking About Me?”

  1. September 01, 2010 at 11:26 am, Aline said:

    I’m proud of you:)

    Reply

    • November 26, 2012 at 8:20 pm, Princess Leia said:

      > Good for you!! I’m in a similar relationship and I am glad someone understands me, finally!

      Reply

  2. September 01, 2010 at 12:13 pm, Sachi said:

    well said! so true.

    Reply

  3. September 01, 2010 at 12:43 pm, gabby said:

    Good post!

    Reply

  4. September 01, 2010 at 2:09 pm, Barbara said:

    I have to agree! You made some great points.

    Reply

  5. September 01, 2010 at 2:26 pm, Kristin said:

    Word! The hubs was/is not a phone guy…and we’re five blissful years in!

    Reply

  6. September 01, 2010 at 2:47 pm, Taylor said:

    This is good :) It’s so easy to assume the worst when I don’t hear from him. You just have to have faith in him, and in yourself, and in the relationship.

    Reply

  7. September 01, 2010 at 4:14 pm, Allison said:

    Love your post Liz. I have mixed feelings about it though. While we girls get so easily upset about guys, I find that to be a really bad sign. I’ve dated so many people over the past few years, and I sort of realize now if I felt insecure, it wasn’t necessarily because I was too sensitive. Those guys really weren’t that invested into our relationship, and my insecurities came from me knowing I wasn’t that important.

    Reply

  8. September 01, 2010 at 8:10 pm, genevieve said:

    i still think that “if he’s not calling you, he’s not into you” is true to some extent. this little line of wisdom is for the girls who make excuses for the guy who doesn’t call a week after the first date. a guy won’t call you ALL THE TIME if he’s thinking about you, but he will text, call , facebook, myspace (yeah right, who uses myspace anymore) SOME of the time. if the girl is the one doing all the calling or texting, 9 times out of 10, the guy is not all that invested and is probably just killing time ’til something better comes along.

    Reply

  9. September 01, 2010 at 8:13 pm, Katy Mary said:

    I’m really glad you wrote this because I think it’s more empowering for women to know that a constant stream of texts/calls/tweets/fb comments doesn’t mean a guy doesn’t like you or think about you. My Fiance has a hands on job and sometimes I don’t hear a peep from him all day, yet he recently told me “I miss you everyday between the hours of 8 and 5″ (when he works) so like you said, just because your bb isn’t blowing up doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or think about you. I see too many women get caught up in that and then ruin it for themselve by obsessively texting a guy because he’s not texting them. Great article :) and I agree with your last point also!

    Reply

  10. September 02, 2010 at 5:00 am, 2009cansuckit said:

    “@welovedates: Why I Don’t Believe That If He’s Not Calling Me, He’s Not Thinking About Me http://bit.ly/97DU87 (post by @ItsUnbeweavable)”

    This comment was originally posted on Twitter

    Reply

  11. September 02, 2010 at 3:03 pm, Jessi said:

    I wish I had this about a month ago when I was having one of those yucky days… but it all worked out in the end, thanks to a very patient fella :) Love this post!!!!

    Reply

  12. September 02, 2010 at 5:24 pm, Jaime said:

    Great post, Liz. It’s so funny to think- like your friend said- we (ladies) think about them (guys) and we aren’t texting 24/7, why can’t it be the same for them? I was pleasantly surprised lately to receive a followup contact a day after a blind date, saying he had fun and suggesting a 2nd date… i was surprised because 1) i thought it would at LEAST be 2-3 days before I heard from him and 2) because it was a short, sweet, to the point message. no frills. I really appreciated it! ;) we’ll see what happens on date 2….

    Reply

  13. September 02, 2010 at 6:03 pm, Lil Landy said:

    Amen! (Reason # 63 why i <3 You!()

    Reply

  14. September 03, 2010 at 3:09 am, The Mercurial Wife said:

    My husband calls me every 5 minutes if he can. And to be honest, that irritates me. I remember, at work, my colleagues used to tell me that I was lucky. Uh hello! He’s annoying me with all these phone calls! I, for one, like to see his eyes when he’s whispering ILUs. It means more to me than a hundred of phone calls a day. I know some of you wouldn’t understand.

    And Liz? Whatever you wrote on here? It’s so true! I love you for that! ;p

    Reply

  15. September 05, 2010 at 3:02 pm, Lauren said:

    Liz! Awesome post. I love this — it’s still about female empowerment: the ability to stay calm, not wonder and worry, and most importantly, BE CONFIDENT regardless of if he’s calling or not. Perfectly written :) XOXO

    Reply

  16. March 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm, shivoli said:

    You can’t just disagreed with if he’s not calling you…. of course he might be thinking of you but not calling you,do you think gals wrote down their stories when they hadn’t received a text between 8 to 5? no honey, we’re talking from 5 and after, we’re talking about days passed without calling and out of a sudden he text or call to speak for not even a minute and say i loveeeeeeeee youuuuu. The main thing is its frustrating.and yes they can text between 8 to 5,if they were not jerks.

    Reply

  17. October 21, 2011 at 3:03 am, Escorts Sydney said:

    I believe that it does not follow that he’s not thinking about you when he’s not calling you. I thinks it’s just too much if he texts or calls all the time. :)

    Reply

  18. April 06, 2012 at 3:51 pm, Louise said:

    Heys! Excellent post! I just wanna ask something that has sort if bothered me for the past few days. I met this guy n we hit off really well. Soon, we got tgt. For the first few weeks of our rls he was rather sweet to me but now, we have only went out twice and it seems that he doesn’t really text me that often as compared to the first week. I really wonder if he really is that bz.. we were suppose to meet up this week and in the end it has got to be cancelled as he has got a ton of work to do at home. I was really looking fwd to our third date n now it seems nothing is happening. He takes abt 3-6 hours to reply texts it just feels so empty now. I just dont know wad to do or think…. Sigh.

    Reply

  19. April 07, 2012 at 4:52 am, Louise said:

    Hi! Thank you for your reply… I have got 2 replies from him yesterday but his replies seemed a little bit empty. In other words, not as sweet as it is anymore. I m prepared for a reply thats gonna say ” let’s just be friends ..” and then I shall move on. Thank you for your advice, it is appreciated. :)

    Reply

  20. May 19, 2012 at 6:36 pm, Leticia said:

    Hi,i wanna say thx Liz. I suffer the same thing as well when he doesn’t text or call i become unhappy sad ,can’t focus on anything i start to think that he doesn’t like me now,he hates ne or even when he read my texts he says to himself:ufff get away from me i don’t wanna talk to u :@…..but in uni i can see clearly how he cares but i’m still in doubt and now even more ….we’re friend but i know he wanted us to be more than that,i want that too! I doubt his feeling now cuz ever since he left the uni he stoped asking abt me i talked to him then and it was good i told him to come he told me when i can i will but until now nothing happened then i called him he didn’t reply i sent him a msg telling him that i want ask him for anyting else but to tell me how is he cz i thought maybe he’s not okay becuz he left the uni but y isn’t he talking to me anymore??he didn’t reply the msg and i feel sad for it i rly suffered when he left i cried too much and now i’m cryin even more cz i think that he hates me or not interested in our friendship anymore ,he feels i’m a pressure or sth. Inspite of we had good times together…i don’t know,wish somebody would tell me y he stopped talking,this is the 2nd week without talking to each other and that’s rly killin me i rly care abt him and it hurts to know he doesn’t care but at the same time i say to myself that if he’s okay and happy then i’ll be happy for him even if he’s not talking….knowin the answer of y he stoped suddenly talkin would rly help!…thx anw

    Reply

  21. July 23, 2012 at 5:34 pm, Emily said:

    Liz, great post!

    I will put this great post to the next level.
    The main stressor for me turned out to be the constant noise the background. Don´t listen for a while to what the outer world says. Trust your judgment, you inner voice. It works miracles when it comes to dating.

    Trust, be careful, trust a little more, and again, don´t talk about it. Even listen into the silence :)

    It will all play out, girls!

    Reply

  22. November 07, 2012 at 7:12 pm, Jody said:

    Im going on day three of not hearing from my male friend…I last heard from him on Sunday (today is Wednesday morning) when he said he was going to plan something romantic for us to do this weekend….Well, I have decided that if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow, he can kiss that romantic date out the door, because it just might be his way of letting me know his romance is just another word for booty call with candles…lol

    Reply

    • November 09, 2012 at 4:14 am, Elizabeth Marie said:

      Hi Jody,
      That is a great plan! Don’t let it get you down for one more second :) I hope it all works out!

      Reply

  23. December 29, 2012 at 2:22 am, Megan Hammond said:

    Boy (pardon the pun), I love this post! I’ve just re-joined the dating game and I’m tying myself in knots because there’s 24 hours between texts and 5 days between dates… I feel like a crazy person. This boy has said everything I’ve ever wanted anyone to say to me – he’s talked about a future together – and yet I’m still worrying! Your post has given me the guts and confidence to get over the panic and to be patient. You rock! :-)

    Reply

    • December 31, 2012 at 2:14 am, Elizabeth Marie said:

      Megan! Keep me updated on how it’s going…because the guy who inspired this post a few years ago just proposed to me, so let me tell you-there is always hope! :) Happy New Year girl!

      Reply

  24. May 07, 2013 at 2:56 pm, sandraD said:

    thanks so much Liz for this amazing write up! i have beaten myself for a while now. my boyfriend of about 6months hasnt called me in a week (does that regularly tho) & ive thought up the worst in my head (maybe hes seeing som1 else) but has snt IMs inbetween. still i feel like am loosing him slowly, but he has been d only1 ive decided 2 date after coming out of a 2yr break from rltnshps, & he’s told me of his intentions of the future wiv me. but reading ur post has helped realize he just might be busy or (having a fling) lol. am still keeping my fingers crossed.

    Reply

    • May 08, 2013 at 1:19 am, Elizabeth Marie said:

      Hi Sandra!
      Thanks for sharing your story.
      I think you should be careful…that seems like a long time to go without hearing from your boyfriend. Make sure you’re being treated like a priority-and if not, reevaluate the relationship. Let me know how it goes! xx

      Reply

  25. June 24, 2013 at 5:26 am, Nabooru said:

    Thank you for posting this. My mind is so much more at ease. :)

    Reply

  26. August 23, 2013 at 10:05 am, ingrid said:

    Hi! My situation is I met a guy online. We’ve been out on 2 dates and each time he’s said he had a great time. We seemed to click. However, its niw been 4 days since I last spoke to him and I’m driving myself crazy thinking he’s not interested anymore. I’m replaying everything in my head and wondering if something went wrong. I want to text him but don’t want t o come off as desperate or needy. What should I do?? Please advise!

    Reply

  27. August 27, 2013 at 1:34 pm, going they it too! said:

    Hi, what ever you do, DO NOT contact him. I have been back in the dating scene after an eighteen year relationship. I been dating on and off since. Did the online thing and met men the old fashioned way. What I know for sure is this, if a man is interested he will contact you. I had guys who called me all times of the day. Before my day started,
    a cute TOU (thinking of you) at lunch, one who called me on his coffee break and a guy who wouldn’t go to sleep unless he said good night. One who sent Emails! and one who worked midnights. He would text me all Friday into the morning. We would
    break night together as he was at work! I have two male friends and a single brother. They say although you may not be an insecure person or clingy, you will seem desperate, and that you don’t have a life.
    These guys taught me that men need to persue you on their terms. Especially when it’s so new. Also, he is probably busy, doesn’t want to seem too desperate, or not ready to go on another date, for reasons that can be financial or obligations. You could be one of a few he is talking to.
    He’s playing it cool and so should you. You may be terrific but maybe your not what he is looking for. Plus let me say this. Men are hunters. Let him seek you out. I’m dating someone who is terrible with communication. It’s new, he works hard, he’s adventurous so he has a full life. But so do I, even if I’m home watching my DVR. He doesn’t have to know. Lol I could be out with my friends. He has taken 3 to 4 days to contact me. But he seemed to always have a plan or purpose when he does contact me. Flicks tonite? Heyy in the mood for Ramin or sushi.. You? I always sound upbeat! Sure! You’re fun. But not tonight, busy :(. But I’m free tomorrow. Lol
    I know it’s hard. But continue to live your life, keep dating. Do not stop until HE SAYS…. it’s just you and me
    And no one else! BE COOL. UGH it stinks but this is how it works. And when he finally comes out of
    his cave just be cheerful and you can tell him about your awesome life or a joke or two. And if he asks you out
    tell him something like, oh I’m busy Friday, but I’m free Saturday after 5. Let him know he needs to give you at least a couple of days notice. So he knows your busy, your time is precious. But if I were you, I would not answer his text or call right away. When you let an hour go by tell him heyyyy! Been busy… Ugh but Im well, so how are you? Then mirror his texts. If he writes one or two words you do the same. Men are very simple. Anyway, wouldn’t you want to know his feelings are genuine? So get your ego in order and keep flirting with others. Good luck! You’re worth it. And you deserve it to be right for you. But if you did call. Just don’t repeat that pattern. Read up on why men do what they do. Talk to your male friends. Dating is great
    once you realize that men are different in there approach. But they are just as sensitive, caring and insecure as we are.

    Reply

  28. August 27, 2013 at 1:39 pm, going through it too! said:

    Sorry some how my name was changed.

    Reply

  29. September 27, 2013 at 12:58 am, twinmom said:

    Thank you so much for posting this. You are so right.. we women have become so accustomed to having to hear from him all the time. My ex husband. Would annoy me to death.. constantly calling..on his way to work..on lunch.. when he left work..texts all day long. We ran out of things to talk about. It was very annoying. Now my new bf I have been with for 6 months. We started out slow.. an email or two a week…then a text a week. Now he calls here and there and we usually text Wed Thurs Fri and the weekend. Not a lot by any means. Now…at first I will be honest…I was like wth is with this man. Is he not interested..but then I realized he hates the phone he hates being bothered at work. It honestly makes me feel 10x better that he isn’t up my butt. I have broken it off with others because they drove me nuts. One guy would text me in the morning and as soon as I would respond..he would call…20 calls a day later…ugh..bye. Now me and the new beau hardly talk on the phone…but when we are together..once a week or so…we never run out of things to say and it builds the anticipation. Knowing this now.. wow…try it. When you do get a text after not hearing from him a day or two…you are so much more excited. Great point of view…glad I found this!!!

    Reply

  30. April 23, 2014 at 7:48 pm, Dana said:

    Such a great post! Thank you so much! Glad I found it. I recently met a guy on my travels, in Sydney. I was there for 5 months and we dated for 4, I madly fell in love. I live in NY and just got back home. He’s an amazing guy and we have something very special. He’s fantastic in person and we have the best connection, but he’s HORRIBLE at texting or calling. He hates phones period. He would only text me or call me when there was something important to say. Or may be a text here and there.

    Now I left and it’s been 4 days and I was freaking out, because I haven’t heard from him every day and he didn’t say he missed me. And he told me he would call and didn’t. And now it’s been a WHOLE day and no word from him. So I’m completely crazed. All these thoughts went through my mind: “He doesn’t care”, “he found someone else”, “he’s too busy to even shoot me a quick text,” “I’m not on his mind”, and the list goes on. Pathetic. I know he works a lot, and when he doesn’t he sleeps. Plus for the past 4 months we spent a LOT of time together and he almost never saw his buddies, so after reading your post, it really put me back in place and grounded me. I have to have a trust in the connection we have, the trust in how he feels about me and what he has said to me before leaving, trust that he’s working his butt off and is just exhausted at the end of the day, trust that he needs some guy time, trust that he does miss me, in his own way…oh and trust that I know he hates phone to begin with. haha

    But we as women, we’re fast to take it to that “helpless” place. The place of where it’s the end of the world if you don’t hear from HIM in a few days or he doesn’t return your text or read into his text. I certainly have been guilty of that and it’s not healthy. It’s a control issue, it’s instant gratification…it’s comparing them to us. And we’re very different creatures. TRUST is where it’s all at.

    Again, thank you for making me come down from the CRAZY planet I was on. :)

    Reply

  31. June 26, 2014 at 12:03 am, How to Scare a Woman Away in Five Easy Steps - Perfect Your Lifestyle said:

    […] gone are the days when a woman would ever just sit around and wait for a guy to call, wondering where he is and what he’s doing. Thanks to social media, we no longer have to […]

    Reply

  32. August 01, 2014 at 10:14 pm, C said:

    Thank you so much for this article. Exactly what I needed. I HATE clingy guys but because I actually LOVE a boy right now, I stress if I don’t hear from him for 5-6 hours. I need to remember to be grateful that he is not clingy and remember to be a BADASS not a SADASS and live my life, let him live his.

    Reply

  33. August 21, 2014 at 2:53 am, lolzbaby said:

    Hi I’m with my bf two years and we r both 22.
    I was always texting and ring in him but I finally thought to myself I have to stop doing it so I did and I dunno if it was a right or wrong thing to do he rang me once in the last six days really for a hour at like ten in the morning then he says at end of phone call I’ll ring u when I’m home at night bout half 11 I do wait but he hasn’t been ringin me at that time and his phone is seemly always off at that time. I duno if I’m just been paranoid about things just need a bit of advice I’m trying my best to give hhim space but I don’t think there’s much point me doing it when he doesn’t contact me really.
    Help :)
    Thanks.

    Reply

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