Have you experienced something like this? You meet a great guy online, and hit it off right away. He asks you out to dinner and you have a wonderful time. When you part ways at the end of the night, he promises to call you to set up another date soon. You go home feeling excited and hopeful, already looking forward to your next date with him.
Or, you’ve been seeing a man for two or three months and were excited about taking things to a more serious level when suddenly you stop hearing from him.
A day passes and then another, and he still hasn’t called. You remember the “3 Day Rule” you’ve heard about and keep hoping that you’ll get a phone call from him, or an email. You start to make excuses for his silence-maybe he’s traveling for business, or perhaps he is sick and can’t call.
After five or so days pass though, the unsettling reality begins to set in. He’s not calling you back…he’s disappeared.
Why Men Disappear
The first thing to understand about why men disappear is that there is no rhyme or reason to their behavior. No matter how much you discuss the situation with your friends, trying to figure out where things went wrong, you might never figure it out. Maybe he got spooked at the thought of your relationship progressing to a more serious level, or perhaps he wasn’t as interested in you as he lead on and didn’t want to admit it face to face. The truth is, you’ll never know for certain why a man vanished unless you hear it from him…and he probably isn’t coming back to tell you.
While most women say that nothing hurts more than when a man they are interested in disappears, but would you believe that some men don’t call because they are trying NOT to hurt you? Confused yet? Sure, there are some men who just don’t care about women’s feelings and think it’s fun to leave a woman hanging, but the majority of men out there have motives that aren’t so sinister.
If a man goes on a first date with a woman and realizes that he is not interested in her, it’s highly unlikely he would say that to her face. Why? Because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, or at least he doesn’t want to deal with the repercussions of such brutal honesty. To a man, saying something so honest might result in a dramatic situation that he wants to avoid at all costs. In his male mind, it’s simply easier to end the date on a positive note and just not call again. To a man, this is the best and easiest way to tell a woman that he’s not interested, and he feels like he doesn’t owe her anything.
But what about the women who have been dating a man for longer than one date? It’s definitely worse when a man you’ve been investing time and emotion in vanishes out of the blue because you become desperate to know what you did wrong. Did you say something? Do something? If only he would tell you so you could fix it…but he isn’t talking. In this case, especially if you’ve become physically intimate, the man does owe you something-an explanation and respect-but holding on to hope that you’ll ever get it is futile.
How To Handle It
When you realize that the man you’re dating has disappeared, your initial reaction might be to constantly stare at your phone, willing it to ring. But no matter how much you want something to happen, it might not-and you’ve got to learn how to roll with the dating punches.
The biggest question most women have is “Should I call him?” and the answer is if you’ve only been on one or two dates with him-NO. But, if you’ve been dating him for a longer period of time, you have full license to reach out. Why the difference?
While two months of dating does not equal a serious relationship, you should feel comfortable enough with each other to be honest. If a man stops calling you, call or email him, but only once. No, his phone isn’t broken and no your email didn’t go into spam. If he wants to respond he will, but if he doesn’t then nothing you can say or write will change his feelings. Keep your email or phone call light and un-accusatory.”Hi there, hope all is well! Love to meet up for coffee this week, give me a buzz” will be a lot more effective than-“You jerk! Where are you? Why didn’t you call?”
On that note, only reach out once. Repeatedly calling and emailing, demanding answers or driving by their office building will only make them glad they never saw you again. Plus, what will that really achieve besides making you look and feel worse.
This lack of closure can be intensely frustrating for most women and can cause them to have trust issues while dating, because what if the next man disappears as well? It’s important to remember that if a man doesn’t call you, it’s just as much a reflection upon him than it is you-even more! If a man pulls a disappearing act, consider that you just might have dodged a bullet! Quality men are respectful and honest, even when it’s difficult. Especially when it’s difficult!
Instead of lamenting why one certain man hasn’t called you back, turn your attention to all the eligible bachelors would be thrilled to spend some time with you. You can’t control what other people do, if they call or not or follow through on promises. You only control your actions and attitudes, so the faster you move on, the quicker you will meet a man who won’t pull a disappearing act. Instead, he’ll be pulling you closer!
Have you ever had to deal with a man not calling? How did you get through it?