Dating & Relationship Blog

September 5th, 2012 by Elizabeth Marie

Why Men Stop Calling and How To Handle It

calling
Has This Ever Happened To You?

Have you experienced something like this? You meet a great guy online, and hit it off right away. He asks you out to dinner and you have a wonderful time.  When you part ways at the end of the night, he promises to call you to set up another date soon.  You go home feeling excited and hopeful, already looking forward to your next date with him.

Or, you’ve been seeing a man for two or three months and were excited about taking things to a more serious level when suddenly you stop hearing from him.

A day passes and then another, and he still hasn’t called.  You remember the “3 Day Rule” you’ve heard about and keep hoping that you’ll get a phone call from him, or an email.  You start to make excuses for his silence-maybe he’s traveling for business, or perhaps he is sick and can’t call.

After five or so days pass though, the unsettling reality begins to set in.  He’s not calling you back…he’s disappeared.

Why Men Disappear

The first thing to understand about why men disappear is that there is no rhyme or reason to their behavior. No matter how much you discuss the situation with your friends, trying to figure out where things went wrong, you might never figure it out. Maybe he got spooked at the thought of your relationship progressing to a more serious level, or perhaps he wasn’t as interested in you as he lead on and didn’t want to admit it face to face. The truth is, you’ll never know for certain why a man vanished unless you hear it from him…and he probably isn’t coming back to tell you.

While most women say that nothing hurts more than when a man they are interested in disappears, but would you believe that some men don’t call because they are trying NOT to hurt you? Confused yet?  Sure, there are some men who just don’t care about women’s feelings and think it’s fun to leave a woman hanging, but the majority of men out there have motives that aren’t so sinister.

If a man goes on a first date with a woman and realizes that he is not interested in her, it’s highly unlikely he would say that to her face. Why? Because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, or at least he doesn’t want to deal with the repercussions of such brutal honesty. To a man, saying something so honest might result in a dramatic situation that he wants to avoid at all costs.  In his male mind, it’s simply easier to end the date on a positive note and just not call again.  To a man, this is the best and easiest way to tell a woman that he’s not interested, and he feels like he doesn’t owe her anything.

But what about the women who have been dating a man for longer than one date? It’s definitely worse when a man you’ve been investing time and emotion in vanishes out of the blue because you become desperate to know what you did wrong. Did you say something? Do something? If only he would tell you so you could fix it…but he isn’t talking. In this case, especially if you’ve become physically intimate, the man does owe you something-an explanation and respect-but holding on to hope that you’ll ever get it is futile.

How To Handle It

When you realize that the man you’re dating has disappeared, your initial reaction might be to constantly stare at your phone, willing it to ring.  But no matter how much you want something to happen, it might not-and you’ve got to learn how to roll with the dating punches.

The biggest question most women have is “Should I call him?” and the answer is if you’ve only been on one or two dates with him-NO. But, if you’ve been dating him for a longer period of time, you have full license to reach out. Why the difference?

While two months of dating does not equal a serious relationship, you should feel comfortable enough with each other to be honest. If a man stops calling you, call or email him, but only once. No, his phone isn’t broken and no your email didn’t go into spam.  If he wants to respond he will, but if he doesn’t then nothing you can say or write will change his feelings. Keep your email or phone call light and un-accusatory.”Hi there, hope all is well! Love to meet up for coffee this week, give me a buzz” will be a lot more effective than-”You jerk! Where are you? Why didn’t you call?”

On that note, only reach out once. Repeatedly calling and emailing, demanding answers or driving by their office building will only make them glad they never saw you again.  Plus, what will that really achieve besides making you look and feel worse.

This lack of closure can be intensely frustrating for most women and can cause them to have trust issues while dating, because what if the next man disappears as well?  It’s important to remember that if a man doesn’t call you, it’s just as much a reflection upon him than it is you-even more!  If a man pulls a disappearing act, consider that you just might have dodged a bullet!  Quality men are respectful and honest, even when it’s difficult. Especially when it’s difficult!

Instead of lamenting why one certain man hasn’t called you back, turn your attention to all the eligible bachelors would be thrilled to spend some time with you.  You can’t control what other people do, if they call or not or follow through on promises. You only control your actions and attitudes, so the faster you move on, the quicker you will meet a man who won’t pull a disappearing act.  Instead, he’ll be pulling you closer!

Have you ever had to deal with a man not calling?  How did you get through it?

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Liz

Liz is We Love Dates social media manager. A former marketing account executive in the fashion industry, a bad breakup spurred Liz to start her first blog 5 years ago and she has been happily over-sharing with anyone who will read ever since. Obsessed with all things dating, love and tech, Liz has been referred to as the brunette Carrie Bradshaw on more than one occasion. If it's a day that ends in "Y", most likely you will find Liz furiously typing away on her laptop with a huge espresso nearby. Or two. Follow her every thought on Twitter and Google+.

11 Responses to “Why Men Stop Calling and How To Handle It”

  1. November 26, 2013 at 6:27 am, libby said:

    I was seeing a men for 2months, we met thru mutual friend. Same week we became intimate I could see the texts & wanting see me were less, I knew something was up. 2 wks later I’m out with our mutual friend & he tells me how he introduced him to some girl to have fun with & now he’s spending all his time with her. Anyways, he kept texting me pretending like nothing is going on. My texts started become one liners. Bit cold I guess but I decided there was no way I was letting him know I was on to him or bothered by anything. I will not give a men like that satisfaction of thinking I’m bothered or care.

    Reply

  2. December 06, 2013 at 3:16 am, B said:

    I met a guy online, we talked for one month before meeting then for close to two months we dated in person and would hang out and he would text at least 3x in the week. It’s been a week since I’ve heard from him, no text, no calls nothing. This isn’t the first time I’ve been deserted and honestly I feel like crap, this son of a bitch also has my favorite CD which I let him borrow so… yeah

    Reply

  3. December 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm, DJ said:

    Met a guy online and he seemed “right” in so many ways … intellectually we hit it off, physically there was a lot of chemistry and our conversations were upbeat, yet intense. So great on so many levels. The relationship was intimate after a month, but communication was a bit tough because I felt like he didn’t call, put the effort in and he felt the same way.
    Finally we had a phone conversation about it and despite the fact he said he wasn’t mad at me, he has not returned 3 phone calls and 2 texts I sent after the conversation. Never heard from him again and he had a pair of my diamond earrings. :(

    Hurtful and disrespectful, as I felt a phone call would be enough to just close the relationship off.

    Reply

  4. February 25, 2014 at 11:44 pm, WindyCat38 said:

    This just recently happened to me. When we shared our family history with each other in a phone call, he didn’t call again. We had been flirting, IM’ing on Yahoo, then calling each other for two months. The conversations were GREAT. He’s smart and he doesn’t talk about sex like some men I previously dated. We even talked about past dating situations that were funny…to us. I guess things got too “serious” after the “where did you come from and who are your parents” talk came about. It’s good though because NOW I know he’s not mature and he’s the type of guy who would definitely bail if “oops I’m pregnant” came about years down the road (lol true though). You don’t want a guy who is too immature to articulate good and not so good feelings. I want a guy who knows that I’m not going to be perfect 24/7 and still love me for who and what I am anyway (and vice versa). A phone call saying that he was not interested would have been ok…but I actually like that he disappeared lol. I would feel so sh*tty had he called and told me!! Men, it’s okay to tell a woman via call, voicemail, or text that “you’re just not that into her.” Take the consequences of being called a bad guy.

    Reply

  5. July 25, 2014 at 6:48 pm, katie said:

    This happemed to me, but it was a seriius relationship. We were dating for a few months, but it was serious (I’m 40, he’s 37), he was staying at my house most nights. Calling/texting during the day. All the sidden his kids (aged 16, 18) decided they wanted back with him. I was so happy for him, knew we wouldn’t see each other as much, but we were still talking/texting. Then over a span of a few days, he’s barely calling. I’m initiating all contact. But he won’t discuss it. He comes to my house when I’m working to get his clothes, still has his keys. I texted him and called him, he barely responds. This was a guy who was chasing me, wanting to talk about our lives in the futire, blending our families etc. Oh it hurt, but at least I find out now not a few years down the road. Funny thing, I still have his house key, know his schedule, I could go confront him at any time.I finally stopped calling and texting him. One day, I will let him know how badly he hurt me. Such juvenile behavior

    Reply

  6. July 29, 2014 at 1:07 pm, Karl said:

    I’m a gay guy and this article really helped me. My broken heart feels a little bit better now.

    Reply

  7. August 03, 2014 at 8:08 pm, Janet Jones said:

    My situation is a bit different and I’m confused I saw him a month ago and he hasn’t initiated any contact since then. We had a great time that day and he even told me to text him to let him know I got home okay. I texxed him a week later telling him I had a great time and I love him and he said same here and I love you too. I blocked him on Facebook because I got tired of seeing him giving more attention to whores showing their asses in pics than me,I know his distant behavior is partially my fault because when he first tried to get together with me 2 years ago I constantly pushed him away because I wasn’t ready to be with anyone at the time. I also posted pics on Facebook of me and someone else a few months later and he expressed to me that I hurt him when I did that. I don’t know if this is tit for tat or he’s lost interest!!!!I truly love him but don’t know what to do please help out with some advice!!!!!

    Reply

  8. August 08, 2014 at 1:40 am, nice guy said:

    As a guy who has recently cut off contact with the person I was crushing on I’d like to add my reason for stopping all contact. First ladies look at your self. Did you give him a reason to continue or to discontinue contacting you? Did you give him any signals that you were the least bit interested in him, or maybe you dropped him in the friend zone? In my case after being out with this women in whom I was interested in & wanted to get to know better. We went out a few times although it was never confirmed as a date & weeks of contact through both telephone & msgs I came to the conclusion that it was going no where. she gave me no signs that she wanted anything more than a friend most every time we talked the subject ended up about her. She only contacted me when needing something or asking my approval. she really didn’t care for me at all or at least that is the way it seemed. I finally had no other choice than to just stop the contact. I stopped replying to her constant demands of what was ask of me & her asking my approval on projects she was working on. It became too overwhelming & tiresome to even be her friend. She showed me zero compassion or though of my feelings no interest in my goals. I’m confused as to why she continued making contact with me when she had no interest in.

    Reply

    • August 08, 2014 at 4:13 pm, Elizabeth Marie said:

      That is really interesting! I wonder how many other guys are in your situation and stopped calling because they thought the woman wasn’t interested…only to find out later she was into it! Ah, so confusing!

      Reply

  9. August 17, 2014 at 3:24 pm, zama said:

    It happened to me! Guys please help, ok here’s my story I met this guy 5 months back at first he used to phone me daily and at that time I wasn’t interested but still he kept on calling so as time and months goes I started falling in love with him ok he was still calling but not like before 2 months down he phoned and we talked on the phone nice he told me he can cook and stuff and I was like wow*conversation* was going very nice he said goodnight I said same thing as well. But now since that day he never called again I saw him putting a girl’s picture on social media my heart was really broken after a month I decided to delete his no. coz I wanted to completely forget about him then after 1 n half month he phoned asking how am I doing. Let me note this “I never phoned this guy he was the one who was always phoning”. Good people please help coz know I’m totally inlove with him. After he’s call yesterday I spoke to him in my social media he replied once then he left the conversation hanging just like that

    Reply

  10. August 17, 2014 at 11:08 pm, Anna said:

    Interesting article …..Happend to me a few months back and I handle it in this way .
    Fitst of all, met this guy online , he kept texting me and inviting out had nice time ..and bla bla bla the same pattern … after 10 dates he wasn’t even closed to try to kiss and I thought from tonight I will stop seeing him …had enough…..that evening he said that he was interested in me .. no shy at all and wanted to cook for me … Wow …..
    Following Saturday he cooked for me and I stayed over .. of course nice evening, night and morning. …..we met the following week again on Friday and after a pizza , cinema and long kisses he asked me if we could go in my house .. I said no . I am not ready to take you in my home .. We went to his and slept over ..I didn’t want to stay all day with him I left him around 9am … from that day he became distant. i noticed him on the dating website over the weekend while i was deleting my profile…. as I don’t want to waste time and I am 42 I asked him 4 days later why he was online when he said he was interested in me and had cancelled the profile …… here the reply after 24h in short …

    I have just realised I am not ready for a commitment yet after my past ..sorry to do this .. I truly wish you happy life and sorrry it can’t be with me …. …
    My reaction to this was ..am I daiting a child or a 43 years old man , divorced after 13 years of marriage?
    And who was assuming that I wanted to have a commitment with you , asshole ?

    I replied saying that I would have appreciateed it if it was spoken face to face and that we never spoke about commitment but we were known each other, as our past affected the direction of our relationship. Adding , if he felt like to go for pizza and a beer to our favourite to let me know ..

    He replied politely….

    I never doubted that I did something wrong and my text was inappropriate …. I actually believe better to know in advance than after 4-5 months down the road? And stay open always repay ……
    I asked myself why , of course , but than I moved my thought to : I am a nice funny and intelligent woman and I don’t want to get angry or upset with men who don’t know how to be nice , how to respect women and end in a adult way any kind of relationship ……

    After two months , he texted me again out of the blue …. wishing me a great trip to italy …. I was polite and replied that my trip was at the end of August , quite way off yet ….
    He texted again saying .. went to our pizzeria with some work colleagues and kept thinking of you ….. Really !!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And that, I have a good taste ……. thank you so much … ( i know already that I have good taste ….. I don’t need you to tell me …. I took you to that place)….. after that a few xxxx and vanished …

    Does this man make sense ….. ??????? I don’t know ….
    Does he know what he want ? I don’t know …..
    But I know what I want and how I want it …. if he does not match my wishlist …. I will say next ….!!!!!!!!
    Although I really like him, I not going mad or make my brain insane for him …..

    Bottom line, in my opinion ….. women must keep their cool ……we are far highly intelligent than men and this unfortunately is not helping …. being continually kind , nice and respectful give you the chance to be always the winner ….
    Don’t bother too much if he disappeares . just take the situation for what it is and in the meantime enjoy the next part of your life journey ….. a better man will come along …

    Reply

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