If He Hasn’t Text Me or Called Me, Is He Thinking About Me?

By: Rosie Valentine |

Online Dating

Last week I read a tweet to the effect of, “If he’s thinking about you, he’s calling or texting you.

Meaning of course, that if our phones are not constantly lighting up, blinking, flashing and ringing that the guy in question is not interested in us at all, so we should probably start to get over it, and read He’s Not Just That Into You for the 20th time.

I’m not entirely sure it’s fair to assume that if a guy isn’t texting, that he isn’t interested.

I’ve met great guys online, and have definitely found myself obsessing over how long he takes to text me back or wondering why he didn’t call when he said he would. I’ve lost sleep over it and totally stressed myself out. When a guy I like hasn’t texted me back in a week, I started to doubt myself–was something wrong with me?

Anyway, I recently talked with Steve Jabba, a well-known dating guru from the UK, and he reassured me that guys don’t think like girls. They get distracted by video games, fishing, or whatever other weird stuff they get up to. So if they don’t call, it really means nothing.

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In the grand scheme of things, I understand what this 140-character blurb’s intention was. To empower women and to remind them that they deserve better!  To reinforce that we all deserve someone who wants to talk all.the.time, text all.the.time-but if we’re being honest, we want this without having to really want it, or shudder-come across as “needy.” Our worst fear has become being called a Stage 5 Clinger and we worry that if we want to send a guy we like an innocent “I hope you have a great day!” text message, he’ll get spooked and run away.

I sent one of my best friends the above tweet and her response was brilliant. “That’s not true dude. We think about them all the time and aren’t calling them. I’m thinking about HIM right now but I’m not calling/texting/sending him a messenger pigeon. Why does he have to and why does that mean he isn’t thinking about me?”

So How Important Is Texting and Calling In a Relationship?

Every relationship is different, every relationship stage has it’s own challenges and not all guys are created equal. I’ve dated guys who are texting and calling monsters and at the beginning it’s fun but after a while…what do we need to say…especially when I know I’ll be seeing him later on that day? And then, you start to expect it, right? If he sends you a good morning text most days, but happens to miss a random Wednesday because he was late to work, forgot his coffee or was sick, does it all of a sudden mean you aren’t on his mind? Or more importantly, in his heart? I feel like all these one-line quotes-“If he likes you, it only takes 30 seconds to shoot a text” can be ridiculously dangerous. (In the beginning of a dating relationship, I understand this a little more. But as things progress…shouldn’t your relationship?)

In all honesty, I struggle with this. I’m a girl, and especially around certain times of the month, I tend to throw all remnants of rationale out the window and forget.  I forget that life doesn’t always revolve around me and that the guy I like has tons of other things going on in his world besides checking in with me throughout the day.  I forget that his job is ridiculously stressful, and his boss makes him crazy so the fact that he isn’t texting me between 8-5 is not a reflection of how he feels about me. OR if he’s thinking about me.  And you know what? Even if he’s not thinking about me at all times…I’m ok with that.  He works hard. He’s a social butterfly, he’s a loving son, cousin and uncle. He’s a surfer and mountain biker and tries to squeeze as much into the rest of his day as possible.

He’s a great guy and I’m not going to turn into some crazed lunatic drama queen just because he isn’t calling or texting 24/7. Have some confidence. And if he’s not giving you what you need, what your heart needs-phone calls, or otherwise…maybe he’s not the one for you.

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Think Beyond The Text Message

He calls me to make plans or when there is something important to talk about. He tries to text me during the work day if it allows. He remembers the important things and when he’s with me, he’s 100% PRESENT. When we’re together, his phone, I’ve noticed, is never in use. He tells me how he feels and most importantly, he shows me.  I know where I stand-I just need to remember that. One thing I do believe is that if a guy wants to be with you, he will.  But can’t he show that in different ways…in his own way? And if I need more non-face-to-face communication, well we are adults here and there is nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend that it would make your day if he texted you once or twice during the workday. Maybe he just needs a bit of a nudge in the right direction! I’ve spent too much of my dating time worrying about insignificant things like text messages and negating the things that actually count.

Expect The Best

When I, unfortunately, do get that yucky feeling because it’s 4 pm on a Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him yet, maybe I’ll re-read this post.  I’ll remember that I wanted a guy with a full life, who is there when it counts, and I’ll be thankful for him. When it comes to dating, women can sometimes be conditioned to expect the worst of men, and it’s horribly unfair. I’ll expect the best because it’s all he’s shown me anyway. Maybe on these days, I’ll shoot him a short text-“Hope you’re having a good day!” Without expecting anything back. Perhaps it will make him smile. Relationships are a two-way street, after all. Sometimes I feel like this is so forgotten.

…But Be Smart

With that said, it’s important to be smart and not take this as a license to believe what you want to believe. Actions always speak louder than words, so if a guy hasn’t texted you in two weeks, it’s time to move on. If he never ever responds to your text messages or phone calls, he’s not interested in you. Tough pill to swallow? Sure. But at least you won’t keep wasting your time on a guy who doesn’t give you any of his.