We’ve all been there – you’re stuck on a date with a guy who is a total bore. He makes you wish you were at home watching paint dry, counting grains of sand or cutting the lawn with nail scissors. The problem is that too many of us are far too polite to say: “You bore me to tears. Please, just go away.” Instead, we sit through hours of mind-numbingly dull small talk whilst wondering why we ever agreed to go on the date in the first place.
Ladies – fear not, I’ve got the answers for you. As long as you’re ready with some convincing get-out clauses, there’s still a chance to escape the drip and resurrect your evening.
1) Migraine Tablets at the Ready
First things first – always come prepared. You should never arrive on a date without a packet of extra-strong migraine tablets in your handbag. Make sure that when you do announce that you’ve been suffering all day with a “killer migraine,” your facial expressions match up. Think of how a bulldog chewing a wasp looks (on an ugly day). There’s no use smiling and announcing that you’re feeling unwell as he’ll never believe you. So grab the tablets, put your head in your hands, let out a gasp and may your Oscar-winning performance commence.
2) The Fake Phone Call
Before attending a first date with a guy who could be a bit of a wild card option, make sure you’ve got a friend on standby to phone you with some “devastating news” that means she needs you instantly by her side. Try and be convincing – her pet fish being unwell or her hair straighteners breaking aren’t going to cut it. Instead go for the argument with boyfriend, or the bad day at work excuse.
3) Crazy Ex-Boyfriend is in the Same Restaurant
If Barry McBorington makes reading the telephone directory exciting – it might be time to call in the ex-boyfriend excuse. Picture the scene – you’ve just spotted your (fake) ex who (if you want to make the story even juicier) has just been released from prison. His nickname is Psycho, he’s got a violent streak and he’s very possessive over you.
Once again, it’s time for the Oscar worthy performance. Pick up the menu and cover your face before whispering: “Psycho is on the table opposite, don’t turn around, whatever you do.” Then just slowly sneak your way out of the restaurant…alone.
4) Extreme Measures – The Accidental Spill
Sometimes clothing has to be sacrificed to save a bad date. If things are really bad and you can’t talk your way out of it, he still seems keen and he’s talking over everything you say, then you may have to resort to the “clumsy hand approach.”
A glass of wine spilt over your dress should do the trick perfectly. Look visibly upset and insist on going home immediately to prevent further embarrassment.
5) The Perfect Ex
You might hate his guts now, but it’s time to give your ex some credit. If your date orders pizza, say: “my ex used to love that flavour too.” If your date says something funny, say: “my ex used to say that as well.” The classic line…”you remind me of someone…” then wait for him to reply: “your ex?” Bingo!
6) Biological Clock/Marriage Bells/Babies/Cats
“Can you hear that noise? It’s my biological clock ticking.” This is a line that no man ever wants to hear. So if he’s getting a bit keen, it’s time to play him at his own game.
Tell him that the jeweller down the road has saved a lovely engagement ring for you and you’ve already narrowed the wedding dress down to two choices. Say you’ve already named your future pet dogs Mr Tickles and Mrs Poochie and you’re going to have three children together. If you make out you’re ready to get married and have babies next week – this will definitely scare him off. If not, it’s time to start talking about the cats you currently have – all seven of them. Go through names, kitten pictures, then talk about the time you took little Tiddles to the vet to be castrated. Do whatever it takes to get out of there.
7) Be Honest
It’s tough, but sometimes we just need to be blunt and say it how it is. “You’re a lovely guy, but I don’t think we’ve got anything in common. I think you’ll make a great friend and I hope one day you’ll meet someone nice.” That way, he leaves with dignity and will (hopefully) appreciate your honesty. If you want to soften the blow, why not set him up with one of your friends?
Hopefully none of you will have a date so bad that you have to combine several approaches and do a terrible bulldog impression whilst pouring a glass of red wine over yourself and drawing a sketch of your ideal wedding dress on the napkin in front of you. If your date is unbearably dull – at least you now have some escape options! Good luck!