September 1st, 2010 by Liz
If He’s Not Calling, Is He Thinking About Me?
Last week I read a tweet to the effect of, “If he’s thinking about you, he’s calling you.” Meaning of course, that if our phones are not constantly lighting up, blinking, flashing and ringing that this guy is DEFINITELY NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU, DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY RUN STRAIGHT TO THE HAAGEN DAAZ and read He’s Not Just That Into You for the 20th time, dumbass.
Um, what? Can I call bullshit? BULLSHIT.In the grand scheme of things I understand what this 140 character blurb’s intention was. To empower women! To remind them that they deserve better! They/We/Us deserves someone who wants to talk all.the.time, text all.the.time-yet we want this without having to WANT it, or shudder-come across as “needy.” It’s like my favorite Jennifer Aniston line in The Break Up-“I want you to WANT to do the dishes.” Who the hell WANTS to do this dishes? Not this girl.
I sent one of my best friends the above tweet and her response was brilliant. “That’s not true dude. We think about them all the time and aren’t calling them. I’m thinking about HIM right now but I’m not calling/texting/sending him a messenger pigeon. Why does he have to and why does that mean he isn’t thinking about me?”
Every relationship is different, every relationship stage and for that matter, every guy. I’ve dated guys who are texting/calling MONSTERS and at the beginning it’s fun but over a while…what do we need to say…especially when I know I’ll be SEEING him later on that day? And then…you start to expect it, right? I feel like all these one line quotes-”If he likes you, it only takes 30 seconds to shoot a text” can be ridiculously dangerous. (In the beginning of a dating relationship, I understand this a little more. But as things progress…shouldn’t your relationship?)
In all honesty-I struggle with this. I’m a girl, and especially around certain times of the month, I tend to throw all remnants of rationale out the window and forget. I forget that it’s NOT ALL ABOUT ME. OR US. I forget that his job is ridiculously stressful, and his boss makes him crazy so the fact that he isn’t texting/calling between 8-5 is not a reflection upon how he feels about me. OR if he’s thinking about me. And you know what? Even if he’s not thinking about me at all times…I’m ok with that. He works hard. He’s a social butterfly, he’s a loving son, cousin and uncle. He’s a surfer and mountain biker and tries to squeeze as much into the rest of his day as possible and you know what else?
He’s a great guy and I’m not going to turn into some crazed lunatic drama queen just because he isn’t calling or texting 24/7. Have some confidence. And if he’s not giving you what you need, what your heart needs-phone calls, or otherwise…maybe he’s not the one for you.
He calls me to make plans or when there is something important to talk about. He tries to text me/bbm me during the work day if it allows. He remembers the important things and when he’s with me, he’s 100% PRESENT. When we’re together, his phone, I’ve noticed, is never in use. He tells me how he feels and most importantly, he shows me. I know where I stand-I just need to remember that. One thing I do believe is that if a guy wants to be with you, he will. But can’t he show that in different ways…in his own way? And if I need more non face to face communication-aren’t we all adults?! Can’t I talk to him about this…if it begins to bother me? I’m sure some of you will think I have a raging case of denial, but I’ve spent too much of my dating time worrying about insignificant things like text messages and negating the things that actually count.
When I unfortunately do get that yucky feeling because it’s 4pm on a Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him yet, maybe I’ll re-read this post. I’ll remember that I wanted a guy with a full life, who is there when it counts, and I’ll be thankful for him. When it comes to dating, women can sometimes be conditioned to expect the worst of men, and it’s horribly unfair. I’ll expect the best-because it’s all he’s shown me anyway. Maybe on these days, I’ll shoot him a short text-”Hope you’re having a good day!” Without expecting anything back. Perhaps it will make him smile. Relationships are a two way street, after-all. Sometimes I feel like this is so forgotten. And then I’ll go live my life, letting go of these silly rules and expectations-I need a free hand to grab my PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE, anyway. 
Um. Sidenote. I don’t deal with the whole “he hasn’t called/texted for 3-4 days” game. If a guy hasn’t reached out to you in that amount of time…you’re too cute for that, you’re too amazing for games. MOVE ON. ALSO-if he never responds to your calls or texts…MOVE ON.
I was inspired to write this post after reading another tweet…time by Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker fame-it really made sense to me-“He who calls more has the most interest…and the least control.”
September 01, 2010 at 11:26 am, Aline said:
I’m proud of you:)
September 01, 2010 at 12:02 pm, Pretty Proud Of This One. | It's Unbeweavable! said:
[...] We Love Dates today, I wrote a post I’m pretty damn proud of. Why I Don’t Believe That If He’s Not Calling Me, He’s Not Thinking About Me.A watched phone never rings. Or something. And stuff. Don’t worry. He likes [...]
September 01, 2010 at 12:13 pm, Sachi said:
well said! so true.
September 01, 2010 at 12:43 pm, gabby said:
Good post!
September 01, 2010 at 2:09 pm, Barbara said:
I have to agree! You made some great points.
September 01, 2010 at 2:26 pm, Kristin said:
Word! The hubs was/is not a phone guy…and we’re five blissful years in!
September 01, 2010 at 2:47 pm, Taylor said:
This is good
It’s so easy to assume the worst when I don’t hear from him. You just have to have faith in him, and in yourself, and in the relationship.
September 01, 2010 at 4:14 pm, Allison said:
Love your post Liz. I have mixed feelings about it though. While we girls get so easily upset about guys, I find that to be a really bad sign. I’ve dated so many people over the past few years, and I sort of realize now if I felt insecure, it wasn’t necessarily because I was too sensitive. Those guys really weren’t that invested into our relationship, and my insecurities came from me knowing I wasn’t that important.
September 01, 2010 at 8:10 pm, genevieve said:
i still think that “if he’s not calling you, he’s not into you” is true to some extent. this little line of wisdom is for the girls who make excuses for the guy who doesn’t call a week after the first date. a guy won’t call you ALL THE TIME if he’s thinking about you, but he will text, call , facebook, myspace (yeah right, who uses myspace anymore) SOME of the time. if the girl is the one doing all the calling or texting, 9 times out of 10, the guy is not all that invested and is probably just killing time ’til something better comes along.
September 01, 2010 at 8:13 pm, Katy Mary said:
I’m really glad you wrote this because I think it’s more empowering for women to know that a constant stream of texts/calls/tweets/fb comments doesn’t mean a guy doesn’t like you or think about you. My Fiance has a hands on job and sometimes I don’t hear a peep from him all day, yet he recently told me “I miss you everyday between the hours of 8 and 5″ (when he works) so like you said, just because your bb isn’t blowing up doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or think about you. I see too many women get caught up in that and then ruin it for themselve by obsessively texting a guy because he’s not texting them. Great article
and I agree with your last point also!
September 02, 2010 at 5:00 am, 2009cansuckit said:
“@welovedates: Why I Don’t Believe That If He’s Not Calling Me, He’s Not Thinking About Me http://bit.ly/97DU87 (post by @ItsUnbeweavable)”
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
September 02, 2010 at 3:03 pm, Jessi said:
I wish I had this about a month ago when I was having one of those yucky days… but it all worked out in the end, thanks to a very patient fella
Love this post!!!!
September 02, 2010 at 5:24 pm, Jaime said:
Great post, Liz. It’s so funny to think- like your friend said- we (ladies) think about them (guys) and we aren’t texting 24/7, why can’t it be the same for them? I was pleasantly surprised lately to receive a followup contact a day after a blind date, saying he had fun and suggesting a 2nd date… i was surprised because 1) i thought it would at LEAST be 2-3 days before I heard from him and 2) because it was a short, sweet, to the point message. no frills. I really appreciated it!
we’ll see what happens on date 2….
September 02, 2010 at 6:03 pm, Lil Landy said:
Amen! (Reason # 63 why i <3 You!()
September 03, 2010 at 3:09 am, The Mercurial Wife said:
My husband calls me every 5 minutes if he can. And to be honest, that irritates me. I remember, at work, my colleagues used to tell me that I was lucky. Uh hello! He’s annoying me with all these phone calls! I, for one, like to see his eyes when he’s whispering ILUs. It means more to me than a hundred of phone calls a day. I know some of you wouldn’t understand.
And Liz? Whatever you wrote on here? It’s so true! I love you for that! ;p
September 05, 2010 at 3:02 pm, Lauren said:
Liz! Awesome post. I love this — it’s still about female empowerment: the ability to stay calm, not wonder and worry, and most importantly, BE CONFIDENT regardless of if he’s calling or not. Perfectly written
XOXO
March 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm, shivoli said:
You can’t just disagreed with if he’s not calling you…. of course he might be thinking of you but not calling you,do you think gals wrote down their stories when they hadn’t received a text between 8 to 5? no honey, we’re talking from 5 and after, we’re talking about days passed without calling and out of a sudden he text or call to speak for not even a minute and say i loveeeeeeeee youuuuu. The main thing is its frustrating.and yes they can text between 8 to 5,if they were not jerks.
October 21, 2011 at 3:03 am, Escorts Sydney said:
I believe that it does not follow that he’s not thinking about you when he’s not calling you. I thinks it’s just too much if he texts or calls all the time.