Things You Should Never Say in Your First Online Dating Message

By: Jamie Ann |

In the spirit of Online Dating Octoberfest, I figured I’d dig into the archives of some of my past messages and share them with the world. Now it’s entirely likely I’m just too picky, but here are a few messages that got vetoed fast.

So, let’s think of this as a learning (and laughing!) experience. Here are some things you should probably never ever say in a first message to someone when you’re online dating.

Closure

Now this one was an exact quote pulled from my inbox. I didn’t edit it in the slightest. I just don’t even know where to start with all the things that are wrong with this:

hey hey k pasa beauteful lady n i must say u r truely breath takeingly wow bu tim sorry hi how are ya doing to day im [redacted] i saw ur pic n had to know more now i guess i hope to hear back from =0)

This was kind of cute, but it also suggests that he lives at home with his sisters. I need a man, not someone who lives with mommy.

When I make french toast… people get hurt. My sisters run to the kitchen like gladiators. Bumping into each other… knocking pictures off the wall. 🙂 So should let me make those for you. But only if you can bake cookies.

And here we have Vague-y Mc Vague. He also had a shirtless profile pic.

spring

A lakefront walk?

What is with the LOLs. I just don’t understand why people tack those on to everything!

Wink

hi

just browsed your profile and i enjoyed it. you seem very normal and you are cute,lol. anything exciting planned for the weekend? are you doing any st pats day stuff? i am so so sick of this winter right now.

Honesty is great. But suggesting you have very little friends and aren’t big on meeting people suggests you may not be so social. “Quirks” and “respects me for who I am “also threw me off a little bit. Are these why you don’t have a lot of friends? You’re making it sound like there is something wrong with you!

Honesty

Hey, After reading your profile I really think we would click 🙂

I only have a handful of friends in Chicago and am not the type to simply meet people outside of school or work, so OKC is an alright gesture towards meeting new people. However, I am ultimately looking a relationship with someone that can appreciate all of my quirks, someone that accepts me for who I am and can respect what I am trying to get into in life. Someone that has a passion for something and isn’t afraid to be a little different. I don’t date that often and most of the people I talk to on here really never want to chat and get to know you… have you noticed this too?

LOL LOL LOL LOL

hi, i like hot sauce on everything also lol

hi, my name is [redacted], i read your profile, and i love how honest you are. i love to go out and have a good time, without drama. i am searching for a friend to hangout with, or spend time with. i like bowling, i go to bar sometime, and i love staying in the house watching movies, or tell jokes. but i am open to anything. i like all type of music. so please take the time out to read my profile, and send me a message, if u would like to talk. and no i am not a (weirdo) lol.

Sweet cheeks? Really. Let’s already start with the awful pet names. Nope.

Hi sweet cheeks!

Hi there enjoyed reading your profile. You sound like a pretty rad and cool girl. Plus love your taste in baseball. Take a look @ my profile and let me know what you think…

“I hope I get to be your friend” just sounds a little creepy. Do you want to be my friend in a serial killer kind of way?

hello

Hi!, my name is [redacted], I’m here looking for friends and maybe something else, I hope I get to be your friend.

Flattery gets you everywhere, huh? Thanks for telling me I look drunk. Totally LOL!

Wink

You look good with glasses. You also look drunk on your 3rd pic..lol

Is it so hard to spell out words completely? Really? Just two more letters. It doesn’t take that much time and it makes you look like a literate person. Text speak is not cute.

friends

Hi u r hott….wanna chat?

Well, I’m guess that’s a good thing…

well, you seem like a pretty cool and a decent person 🙂

 

Holy run-on sentence! Some punctuation in there would be nice.

Hello
well i like to do all the same things but im going to be honest i dnt really read much but i love to cook and would love if someone wanted to help me cook too im funny and i do joke around alot and i love to just watch movies all the time so i would like to get to knw you more even if its just friends

And probably the best/worst online dating message I’ve ever received included the phrase:

“I have loads of mental problems lol”

Alright, so I just shared the bad and the ugly from my online dating past. Let’s see some of yours.
What’s the most ridiculous online dating message you have ever received?