Ten Reasons Zombies shouldn’t use Internet Dating!

By: Kevin |

Conventional wisdom has it that it’s a good thing for Zombies to use Internet Dating Sites as they would not find it easy to meet potential partners. I believe that the exact opposite is true and present ten reasons why Zombies should not use Online Dating services.

Why Zombies shouldn't use internet dating
Image credit: Flickr

  1. Zombies don’t take good dating photos – As everyone knows, a picture tells a thousand stories, and those profiles with photos get three times the response that a profile without a photo would get. The Living Dead do not photograph well. Probably a better idea is to go out on blind dates. However, take the precaution of ensuring that the blind date is not accompanied by her guide dog. Guide dogs have been known to nip romance in the butt.
  2. Zombies are not particularly adept in their body movements. This, naturally, affects their ability to type text. In the past, there have been serious issues when Zombie ads accidently spelt ‘love’ as ‘live’. There have been some serious misunderstandings.
  3. Immortal life means they seek partners over 100 years old! Perhaps, the strongest point that the Living Dead have due to their immortal life span is that they offer undying love. All dating site search engines limit age searches to 100 years, thereby not permitting the Living Dead to search for partners that are over 100 years old. Zombies would probably do better to search for mates by attending costume parties, Comic Con, Zombie marches, Halloween parties, Disneyland, masquerades, or even joining a circus.
  4. More often than not, Zombies have felt discriminated against on various dating sites. This is because they are constantly blocked and, eventually, asked to leave the site. While it is admirable that their honesty leads them to state that a change of status may result from meeting with dates, generally people on dating sites do not attribute the same meaning to this phrase as Zombies do.
  5. First dates: feeding’ isn’t quite the same thing as eating out – Zombies have some difficulty in providing accurate descriptions of themselves for some of the profile questions on dating sites. When asked what they enjoy doing on first dates, ‘feeding’ isn’t quite the same thing as eating out, and describing oneself as ‘eternally young’ can be something of a misnomer. Dates have been known to be less than happy when meeting a member of the Living Dead for the first time.
  6. Risk of electrocution from computer – Perhaps, the most deadly (excuse the pun) misunderstanding for Zombies attempting Internet Dating is that computers and Zombies share the same Life Force and are, therefore, potential partners. This has resulted in severe electrocution for Zombies when attempting to make love.
  7. All species have different mating rituals. The particular ritual in which Zombies post photos of their various close encounters of the third kind has been less than popular. Many dating sites now forbid these photos and as this mating ritual is essential to Zombie courtship, it’s a mute point whether there is any benefit to be had by joining one.
  8. Cyber dating is not the same as hibermating. While Zombies may sleep for six months of the year, internet dating has more to do with a method of meeting a member of the opposite sex than with sleeping for six months. For hibernating venues, it’s best to go to use the classified ads section of your local newspaper to see if there are any sleeping parties going on.
  9. Zombie’s come in herds – Dating websites do not provide the facilities for Zombies to suitably introduce the entire herd of the Living Dead who will accompany them to their first date. This means that Zombies cannot present themselves in the best possible light, therefore leading to a loss of potential dates.
  10. Lastly, Internet Dating sites can be particularly addictive to the Living Dead, and addiction has been known to kill. The recent headline news that a Zombie had returned to life as a result of being alone with his computer (apparently unable to leave the dating site he was a member of) for three months is not good news for Zombies! If the search for love leads to a resurgence in being alive, dating sites need to be avoided at all costs!