30 New Year’s Resolutions for Every Single Gay Man
By: Oliver Johnston |
Doesn’t it feel like five minutes ago that you were at a party, enjoying the final hours of 2013 and trying to not be too drunk before midnight? And here we are, with 2014 almost over. Perhaps it’s been a bad year for you, perhaps it’s been a good year for you. Just think of all the things you’ve achieved this year, like… um… yeah – all that stuff. No matter if you’re gay, straight, or just curious when you’ve had too much to drink, you’ll probably have a few New Year’s resolutions for 2015. We all want to be better people, hence the popularity of resolutions, although it’s quite possible that most of them will have fallen by the wayside after just a week or two. Choosing the changing of the year as a time to implement all these wonderful changes is largely symbolic, and of course you can make your resolutions at anytime but honestly, if not now…when?
In the spirit of the New Year we’ve come up with a list of resolutions ideal for gay men everywhere.
1. If I go on a date with a guy who doesn’t look anything like his internet profile, I will not drink tequila shots until he does.
2. I will exercise regularly because I want to be healthy, and not because a rocking body will help me to get laid (although I won’t be upset if that happens, either).
3. I will stop googling the words “Zac Efron + gay + proof.”
4. I will not exchange messages with any guys who have something stupid like “No Asians” written on their dating profile. I will ignore them, unless I actually see them on the street, in which case I will throw soy sauce in their face and run away laughing.
5. I will try to stop being sad that 75% of The Golden Girls are dead. Sure it’s sad, but I will at least try to not start crying about it when drunk, because it was really embarrassing when it happened that one time.
6. I will not allow any guy to treat me without respect just because he’s hot.
7. I will accept the fact that if any members of One Direction are in fact gay or bi, they’re more likely to hook up with another pretty faced hipster in his early twenties, and not me.
8. I will read more, because books are sexy. Reading amusing online lists don’t count, except for the one you’re reading right now.
9. I will acknowledge that methamphetamines followed by dancing do not count as a diet supplement and exercise regime.
10. Instead of wasting my money on crap, I will save up and travel to a place I’ve always wanted to go to. Travel broadens the mind, and all the guys there will think I speak with a sexy foreign accent.
11. I will do something that frightens me so I can get over the fear and use it to find strength. This is something like skydiving, or performing in a play, and not sex without a condom with some random dude.
12. I will stop being judgmental. Except when it comes to that dick who deserves it. He knows what he did.
13. Although there are some overlaps, I will not confuse being witty with being bitchy.
14. I will not ignore a guy who tries to talk to me at a bar or a party just because I don’t find him attractive. Not everyone is trying to get into my skinny jeans.
15. I will use my real age, height and weight on my online dating profile.
16. I will accept that everyone gets older, and if I start to lose my hair, I will embrace it. However if my hair starts to turn grey, I will get a professional to disguise it.
17. I will not be afraid to be single. Because I’m awesome.
18. I will drink less alcohol, and I will stop drinking wine from a box.
19. I won’t be afraid to end a relationship that’s not going anywhere. It’s better to let the poor guy know.
20. I will take an interest in politics, because some of these decisions prevent gay men and women from receiving equal rights, which is just plain ludicrous.
21. I will watch less porn. It’s fun, but it’s no substitution for real physical intimacy with a guy I’m intellectually, emotionally and physically attracted to.
22. I will call my friends and family more often. Liking something on Facebook isn’t really the same as speaking to them.
23. If I like a guy, I won’t be afraid to tell him. If he says no, I’m sure I’ll get over it.
24. I will be wary of gay male friends who are in an open relationship and might want me to join in. It’s not going to go anywhere, and it can complicate things – people aren’t always as open as they might think.
25. I won’t dismiss a guy because he’s significantly older or younger than me (as long as he’s legal). Romance can come from unexpected places, and sometimes age is just a number.
26. I won’t be afraid of guys with fetishes. If the time comes and I’m asked to participate, I don’t necessarily have to if I’m not into it. I can just say I’m a militant vegan and so can’t wear leather.
27. I will acknowledge that there are more options for a night out than going to a gay club and trying to meet someone. It’s a big world out there.
28. I will stop dismissing bisexual men as gay guys who haven’t made up their minds yet.
29. I will find a man who is the right mix of comfortable and exciting.
30. I will do my best to be happy. Because I freaking deserve it.
Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?