August 21st, 2013 by Jess Downey

10 Of the Worst Things I’ve Ever Seen in an Online Dating Profile

Photo courtesy of  Tree Leaf Clover (Flickr)

Photo courtesy of Tree Leaf Clover (Flickr)

Before becoming engaged, I dated online for far too many years. So I think it’s safe to say I looked at more than my fair share of profiles. And every time I saw someone commit a huge online dating felony it made my skin crawl a little. Actually, sometimes I would keep random lists of the crazy things people would say. I know that sounds really bad. Don’t judge. Anyway. The other day I was looking through old files and I found one of those lists. So to help save the online dating world, I felt compelled to share them. Here are ten of the worst things I’ve seen in an online dating profile. Don’t ever (I mean ever) use any of them.

(These are phrases that I took from actual profiles. I swear I couldn’t make this stuff up. Please forgive me for all the errors).

  1. “I am extremely fond of BBW’s. I think they are the most genuine of all females–the way they carry themselves, the slight jiggle of their breasts, their sensuousness and that look I get when I see them out and about.”
  2. “i’m really good at maintaining my erections for an hour or more. j/k, i’m very good at figuring out what i want and knowing what steps to take to get it. i’m also a good martial artist!”
  3.  “This is as real as it get’s that’s why I aintnaother Translated=aint no otha like me”
  4.  “I hope miss right let me prove it to her I’m not a liar and I do not cheat what you do in the bed can make you smile or make you die so I don’t cheat lol”
  5.  “I promise our conversation will be more interesting than this paragraph  ”
  6.  “I am lay back but not to lay back”
  7.  “I like women with fat round butts. true, but thats not all i think about. i’m constantly thinking of how to improve mentally and physically.”
  8. “You probably should write me first—it indicates some interest and tells me that you are assertive, and there is not too much ambiguity.”
  9.  “You want someone fun to talk to and you don’t have a wang  ”
  10.  “For one, I’m NOT a douchebag. I think you know the type I’m referring too. The type of guy who think he deserves your love (or body) just because he is good looking.”

What’s the worst you’ve seen?

Is your online dating profile in need of a makeover? Let us help!

Jess is a freelance writer and online columnist living in New York City. She recently got engaged to the man of her dreams (whom she met online, of course!) and is always eager to share her online dating tips with the world.

4 Responses to “10 Of the Worst Things I’ve Ever Seen in an Online Dating Profile”

  1. August 25, 2013 at 2:18 am, ichrak said:

    hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

  2. August 27, 2013 at 12:50 pm, Aaron said:

    lol, some people have no clue

  3. September 11, 2013 at 1:02 am, ChanellG said:

    The worst thing I ever saw on an online dating profile was in the space where you answer “I”m really good at,” the guy put, and I quote, “EATING P***Y.”

    • September 11, 2013 at 4:55 pm, Elizabeth Marie said:

      Oh wow…yes, that would definitely be filed under WORST! :)

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