July 26th, 2013 by Kevin Murray
The Best & Worst Places to Have Sex
When your hormones are about to explode, the location where you have sex is irrelevant – all you need is spot to go at it. Although as we all know, some locations are better than others. Over the years you begin to formulate your own opinions of the most notorious scenes of sex. Some live up to the hype while others remain elevated for mythical reasons. So to keep it real, I’ve stripped away the fluff and fundamentally broke down the most overrated and underrated locations to get your freak on.
Sure, the movies always make this scene seem like it’s the best place in the world to have sex – wrong. There are awkward angles, issues with the size of the shower and the thought at any moment you could slip and smack your head on the side of the tub. Oh, and forget about going south on each other – it’s like trying to take deep breaths under a waterfall.
Underrated: Front Seat of a Car
The front seat never gets any love. No doubt, there’s less room up front to maneuver around, but let’s stop looking at the negatives and focus on the positives. First off, you have all the controls of the car with in arms reach. You want to mix up the dry humping music? Reach behind and change the station. Need some more air? Put down all the windows and let that fresh breeze roll in. And if you really need to breathe, just open the sunroof and stick your head out while doing the deed. Imagine the story a passerby will be able to tell their friends as they see you prairie doggin your head out the top.
Overrated: Hot Tub
Always seems like a good idea until your five minutes in. You got the temperature of the water rising up making you sweat more than Patrick Ewing at the free throw line. If that isn’t bothersome enough, there’s the water splashing up hitting you in the face and eyes – stinging the shit out of your cornea. When it’s all said and done, you feel like you’re on fire while your hands look like shriveled old prunes. Add in the fact you’re so light headed from the chlorine that you can barely breathe and feel like you could pass out at any moment – other than that it’s a good time.
I don’t think the chair gets enough love. Guys lets face it, going with the chair is a veteran move for us to take a break. We don’t run on batteries ladies – would be nice if your drove the car for while so we can recharge. And for guys, the chair always seems to come with phenomenal views to boot. Win, win situation if you ask me.
No doubt this is the most romantic sex location on the list, but the issues aren’t with the setting – it’s with the sand. Don’t get me wrong, sex on the beach can be out of this world, but how many of us are actually prepared for it? Seems to always happen on a towel or a blanket that’s way too small and before you know it you got sand on the blanket, which then leads to sand on your piping plover. Once that happens, it’s game over.
Underrated: King Size Bed
If you always have sex on a king side bed, color me jealous. Most of us are not fortunate enough to have a bed the size of Martha’s Vineyard to spread out on. When you have sex on a king size bed for the first time, you feel like Tony Montana in Scarface – the entire world is yours and you can do no wrong. The positions and space you have to work with feels limitless. Kind of like screwing on a trampoline – speaking of which…
Fortunately, most of us have gotten this experience out of the way in our earlier years. Much like an after school special gone wrong, trampoline sex is an injury waiting to happen. Usually starts off as the coolest idea you’ve ever had in high school and then quickly transitions into, “OMG I think you broke my dick off.”
Unsure: Exercise Ball
I know what you’re thinking, but don’t knock it till you try it. First off, it has similar benefits to a chair and versatile enough to work in some new/random positions. Only problem – there needs to be some serious balance and core strength from the both of you to pull it off. I’m not saying you need balance like that bro who walked the Grand Canyon on a tight rope. However, you’ll roll off that ball right quick if you’re not used to it – hence the jury is still out on this one.
What do you think is the most overrated place to have sex? Or underrated?