Dating & Relationship Blog

July 17th, 2013 by Jess Downey

When He (or She) Still Has an Active Online Dating Profile

5831509222_ec29deaaaf(Date and Dateless by Instant Vantage on Flickr)

Some of us have been there. You meet someone awesome; start dating, and then suddenly you realize they still have an active online dating profile. And sometimes it’s not from snooping or being devious; sometimes it just happens. But regardless, what do you do about it? Here are a few examples of how/when it can happen and how to handle it like a rational human being.

Scenario #1 You’ve been on multiple dates and it’s obvious you both like each other, but you’re not exclusive just yet. As you’re deleting old messages, you see she’s changed her profile picture.

It’s perfectly normal for people to still be active on a dating site before you’ve made things official. So, if by some chance you notice, there probably isn’t a reason to worry or have a talk about it. However, if you find you just can’t shake it, you might want to consider another kind of talk (that is, the kind that defines the relationship).

Scenario #2You’ve been dating for some time and have recently become exclusive when you’re friend stumbles upon his  or her profile while searching through matches.

This scenario can be really tricky, but no matter what you do avoid looking like you were snooping for information. It also depends on many factors. How long have you been dating? Is it same dating site where you both met? Did you already have the conversation to deactivate all your profiles?

Regardless of all the little details, I’m a firm believer that you should say something – don’t just let it because one of two things will likely happen. You’ll start looking for clues on what this person could be hiding and then you’ll be the crazy lady hiding behind trees and lurking near wherever he or she goes. Or you’ll just chalk it up to this person being a jerk that mislead you or is sneaking around behind your back. And then you could miss out on what could have been.

The simple fact is, there could be a perfectly good explanation and talking it out could rectify the situation. So, bring it up as casual as possible and allow him or her to explain. If talking it out doesn’t make things better for you or you find they’re still using the site then it’s probably best to end things.

Scenario # 3 You’re completely exclusive and have been for some time now. You’re helping a friend look for matches when you see a familiar face — your boyfriend who’s been active in the past three days.

I don’t really like to say things like: “you should break up” or “clearly your guy or gal is cheating on you,” but, honestly, if you’ve been together for a while and your significant other is active on a dating site he or she is probably up to no good. Now, I confess that I think I still have a profile on a dating site or two (don’t judge). As a former dating blogger, I started profiles on some sites to try them out and write reviews so there are simply just dating sites that I don’t remember about. But (and there is a huge but here) I took my profiles off any sites that I was on. I am not active on any of these sites and my fiancé knows that I may have a profile or two out there.

The bottom line is, still being active when you’re in an exclusive relationship is a pretty bad thing. He or she might not be cheating, but they are definitely disrespecting you and your relationship. So it’s probably wise to reconsider things.

Has anyone ever found their significant other on a dating site? Or have you been the one caught on a dating site? Tell us about it.

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Jess is a freelance writer and online columnist living in New York City. She recently got engaged to the man of her dreams (whom she met online, of course!) and is always eager to share her online dating tips with the world.

5 Responses to “When He (or She) Still Has an Active Online Dating Profile”

  1. July 29, 2013 at 9:48 pm, Love said:

    You have to be smart about dating online

    Reply

  2. February 01, 2014 at 9:59 pm, Lauren said:

    I have been exclusive with my bf for 7 months. We met at church. He told me he’d never try a dating site b/c they were stupid. I admitted to having one YEARS ago. After 4 months of dating seriously and exclusively, I noticed he took his phone everywhere with him(bathroom for a long time) and would get antsy if I wanted to play a game on it. He started texting me less during the day and I was ok bc we saw each other regularly and talked daily. But our talks got fewer oddly. He started saying he wanted to marry me and have a home and family. A dear friend stumbled across his POF dating site recently and I confronted him. Asked why he lied he had it and by it was still active. I claimed he “forgot” it and deleted it that day. Oddly enough his profile is still up, says he’s been on recently and was a match I my friend that saw it. She ha been reporting this to me. So once more, I confronted. He got huffy and said I deleted it. You’re friend is a liar. She gave me her password and I went on and saw he was up and active. Also she deleted her account to show me when actually deleted it would show jut that and it did. What do I do?! Is he lying or is it a glitch?

    Reply

  3. February 02, 2014 at 6:31 pm, Jess Downey said:

    I’m not one to call anyone a liar, but I will say that I’ve never known of any glitch on a dating site that makes someone’s profile appear when it’s been deleted. And even if it was some sort of glitch, that doesn’t explain why he’s still active on it. Honestly, I see a whole lot of red flags here. First he lied about ever using a dating site – who lies about that? Also, it’s common to forget about a profile you have on a dating site. I’m engaged and I still have a couple out there I’m sure. When I was single (and because I write about dating) I think I joined every site under the sun. Some I didn’t really use because I didn’t like them as well. But regardless of all of that, he difference is a) I’ve told my fiancé that I might, b) I haven’t touched any of them in the entire time I’ve been with him (in some cases longer than that) because I truly have forgotten about them, and, finally, c) I’ve never denied being on a dating site (though that wouldn’t work in my case since that’s how my fiancé and I met).

    In my experience you don’t have these kind of issues with anyone who is fully committed to you. It’s not just about the online profile, it’s all of the deceiving. That’s what isn’t right here.

    Personally, there’s something fishy here and I think it seems obvious, you just really want to believe in the good in your boyfriend. And that’s totally normal. No one wants to think the person they’re with is doing some shady business. You can continue to believe him and confront him, but you’ll get the same reaction – he’ll be defensive (which is usually a dead ringer that someone is up to no good), tell you you’re crazy or your friend is lying or whatever else it is he thinks you want to hear. Or you can accept that this dude is up to no good, cut your losses before feeling get more intense, and go find a guy who isn’t up to no good.

    Reply

  4. April 12, 2014 at 4:10 pm, April said:

    I have no one to talk to about this, but I really need some advice.

    I’ve had a funny feeling about my fiancee’s online activity, I dunno why, call it intuition. While he was getting ready for work one morning, I looked at the emails on his phone and saw e-mails from Zoosk, a dating website he told me he deleted his profile from. There were several emails in fact, and he had read all of them, and had looked at the profiles of the women who sent him messages. I looked at his profile and he still lists his old city and address, and has old pictures on it, so he hasn’t updated it since he moved here a year and a half ago. We’ve been dating 2 1/2 years and just got engaged in December.
    I want to talk to him about this because it really upsets me. He asked me to marry him, we’re planning on buying a house, my daughter calls him dad. But I don’t know what to say to him. I’ve casually mentioned dating websites and profiles to him maybe hoping he would admit to something but he hasn’t said anything.
    This is driving me crazy. He says I’m the only one for him, we’re planning our friggin wedding. Why is he doing this? What can I do?

    Reply

  5. July 24, 2014 at 2:48 am, Ron said:

    Honestly, people are people and behavior is behavior and unless a person really wants to change he/she will keep doing what they are doing! Ask yourself what his patterns are, is he a straight up guy Does he hide things from you are his parents divorced You know, those kinds of things This could be a good thing meet with a therapist or good friend and practice having that difficult question with him This is the time for you to be open and direct with him
    After all what is the worst thing that could happen? If you trust yourself and say what you need to you will have your answer maybe not the one you wanted but the one that will set you free either way
    Trust yourself! You might just be dodging a bullet

    Reply

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