Just Because He’s Great, Doesn’t Mean He’s Great For You

I’ve been so busy with my 25 dates, that I’m lucky enough to have my friend Lauren fill in for me today (you’re pretty lucky, too!)

Lauren Friedman is a San Francisco transplant, writer, blogger and aspiring photographer. Her personal blog, theoffbeatreport.com, is a compilation of social media, relationships, and general real-life debauchery. And her cat can turn off her alarm clock.

It took a long time and a lot of mistakes for me to figure out exactly what I want in a relationship. It took dating a lot of men that were completely wrong for me to figure out who I think is right. It took a lot of self-discovery to determine who and what is a good match for me.

Enter, predicament.

I met a great guy. A guy who is smart, funny, driven, and attractive. He absolutely adores me. He respects my independence, supports my goals, and encourages me to follow my dreams. He thinks I’m beautiful with no make-up and he’s willing to wait as long as it takes for me to be ready.

But something just doesn’t feel right.

There’s no tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about him. There are no butterflies. Of course, I enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him, but there’s just no excitement. So, of course, I sit and try to figure it out. What’s wrong with me? This guy is everything I’ve said I always wanted. But I’m just not feeling it. And then it came to me.

Just because you’re great doesn’t mean you’re great for me.

Believe it or not, there are a lot of great guys in this world. And I’ve had the pleasure of dating a few. There are many men that are capable of and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. But treating you right should not be a “plus” — it should be a given. And many times, us women, think that because a guy is great and treats us well, they must be right for us.

I’ve been told, in order to figure out what you really want, write down 10 qualities that you must have in a man you want to be serious with (ok, marry, but that’s a scary word), in order of importance. Scratch the bottom two off because no one is perfect. And then never budge on the top eight. But what if you meet a guy that matches all eight yet you’re just not that into him?

It takes more than one might think to have an extraordinary, fulfilling relationship. A successful relationship? Sure. But one that really is everything you’ve ever wanted? Rare. At times, it might even seem like luck, and to a certain extent it is. It’s a right place, right time, right qualities kind of situation. But it’s not just up to chance — it’s the result of essential life elements.

Love and Passion

However you choose to define it, love must exist. And passion is just a given. Heck, even when I’m 95 years old, I still want to kiss deeply and with passion. You should be excited when you’re around him (not always in that way!). You should be able to maintain all the “puppy love” and lust that exists in the beginning stages of a new relationship. It’s keeping that passion alive that’s equally difficult as it is important.

Co-Existence

In my mind, this is one of the most important elements. I am, and have always been, a believer in maintaining independence even (especially!) during a serious relationship. It’s important not to lose yourself once you join lives with another. Instead, your lives must seamlessly integrate — and it should be easy. Your friends should become his and vice versa. You should want to share mundane daily experiences with him. You shouldn’t be afraid of him seeing you “at your worst.” He should be the one you want to share both good and bad experiences with, and he should be there during both.

Trust and Respect

These are two elements that are key to the growth of a healthy relationship. Being open and honest from day one is crucial to the relationship’s success. Mutual respect is earned through this openness and honesty and can (and should) be maintained. When there is a lack of honesty, there is a lack of trust which leads to insecurity, suspicion and doubts. Questioning everything you or he does is not healthy and will only detriment the building of a strong relationship.

Growth

People grow. People change. And when you’re looking for a long-time partner, you have to take into consideration that you both will change and grow. What makes a strong relationship is the ability to change and grow together. You have to compliment each other throughout various stages in life in order to truly maintain a healthy relationship. This is something that you can’t always control.

There are many elements that contribute to a successful, healthy relationship. Not all of them will appear in the first few months, even years, of being with someone. Relationships (and people) are ever-changing and that’s why they are so challenging. But, I think, when it’s right, all of this will be clear, simplified and fall into place. Right where it should.

When that person is right for you, all of this will be easy. Don’t doubt what you’re looking for, and don’t settle for less than what’s on your list. Stick to your instincts. And remember, just because he’s great, doesn’t mean he’s great for you.