I recently had the chance to have a heart to heart with Patti Stanger, the founder of the Millionaire Club and star and executive producer of Bravo’s show “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” A third generation matchmaker, Patti has helped countless couples find love, and is known for her passion and straight shooting love advice. Her website, PattiKnows, is a hub of dating, beauty, astrology and wellness advice written by her circle of celebrity friends and expert contributors, of which I am one! Her newsletter, The Love Report, offers a free weekly podcast directly from Patti, and is like the nudge from a good friend we all need from time to time! In our interview, Patti reveals the differences between dating in the US vs the UK, why coffee dates are cheap and if chivalry is really dead.
1. What is the biggest difference between dating in Los Angeles vs London?
In London especially, men don’t have sex until they plan to make that person a girlfriend, and that could be on the first date. There’s this uncommunicated you’re mine, I’m yours. Getting in bed very quickly, and then that automatically gives you the right to be monogamous without verbally stating what your intentions are. In the states, men will sleep with you without a commitment. Although my rule is no sex without monogamy!
2. Is dating more challenging in London?
Men in London are obsessed with American women. They just love the American style, we speak our minds and are opinionated, we’re free falling, where Britain is very buttoned up. So what happens is, we love the Brits, but we also have a lot of choices here too, this is such a diverse country. American women are in high demand in the UK, my British clients often ask for American women, I think it’s because they are very open. The second an American women steps on the shore, they want to snap her up quick!
3. Who Is More Picky-Men or Women?
The person who is not attractive-no matter what. The person who is good looking is not as much of a narcissist as the non attractive nasty looking nerd. He’s still going for perfection even though he’s a 2.
4. I’ve read where you’ve said a coffee date is cheap…
Well, a coffee date is cheap. Dinner is romance, drinks are an audition like a movie, lunch is an interview. Now, this is not for the college set. When you start to make money age 25 +, you should be able to take a girl out for dinner, even if it’s just Olive Garden. When you’re sitting and breaking bread, there is not a lot of noise to the point of no return like a bar or club. You can communicate, you get to share food, the ritual and ceremony to eating inspires romance. Also with dinner, you have nowhere to go. You can extend the night-and that’s why it’s romantic, plus it’s dark. An interview lunch, what happens? You’re counting down the minutes til you have to go back to work.
5. Would you suggest dinner also for a first online date where the people haven’t met before?
The more wealthy the man, the more likely he’ll take you to dinner, since he has to eat too. He’s more likely to take a chance, since he’s going to eat out somewhere nice anyway!
Frugal Freddy is more likely to suggest meeting for drinks, since he won’t want to pay upfront if he’s not sure if you look like your photos or if he’s going to like you. Drinks are okay, but if you’re at drinks and he doesn’t offer you something to eat at the bar or say let’s continue to dinner….I think that’s rude.
It also depends on how your conversation goes on the phone! And if you do the texts only where you never have the phone call, the woman can’t fall in love. She falls in love with what’s between your ears, and you’ve already started off on the wrong foot as a male. A woman has to hear your voice to fall in love. Pick up the phone! Women pick up signals from a voice, not a text message. Setting the tone is critical with a voice.
6. Do you think that gay men are more picky than straight women?
Have you met gay men?
Now that they have marriage equality in a lot of places, they aren’t used to this! Now they are thinking, well, if I’m getting married, yes I’m going to be more picky. They are visual creatures, it’s been about sex first, relationships second.
7. Lesbian women?
Lesbian women want “sexy hot”, but that definition varies from butch to lipstick. Sometimes it’s an energy, sometimes they have a type. They move quicker, they get into a relationship faster, they know what they want-look at Jodie Foster. She announced she was single, two minutes later, she’s married! Lesbians are hard to read, there is not a one size fits all answer.
8. Do you think that chivalry is dead?
I think chivalry is commanded by the woman. If you don’t pick the woman up, if you don’t wait for her to get inside the house when you drop her off, if you’re not calling her in advance for a date, if you’re not opening her car door, etc., the woman should shut it down. She commands chivalry, not by scolding or reprimanding, she just doesn’t go on another date. When he calls and says, “Why didn’t you like me?” she should say, “I was raised in a family with manners, this doesn’t work for me.”
When David and I were dating, in front of my building there was a red zone. He parked there, came up to my floor and knocked on my door to get me, and when he went back to his car he had a parking ticket. So after the second date, he basically sped away right after the date. I told him, “I don’t want to go out with you again,” and when he asked why, I said to him, “because you sped away, you didn’t wait for me to get inside, and that shows me you don’t protect me!” He explained why, and it was fine. It was just a bad moment–you still need to give the person a chance. If they ask why don’t you want to go out with me again, tell the truth! I like manners–you don’t seem to have any!
It also depends on what the woman wants. Some women want to be equal, and they want to open their own car door and restaurant door… it’s clueless to me why they want that. I don’t think being a feminist and asking to be treated with chivalry is anti-feminist. So, it depends what you want, and you have to communicate, and I think that’s the biggest problem, nobody communicates anymore. They don’t say what they want. They assume and then they get angry that it didn’t come out right when they didn’t say anything. Open up your mouth. Politely. Nicely. With a sweet approach, not a nasty scolding approach!
For more from Patti, follow her on Twitter @PattiStanger.
Image courtesy of Patti Stanger.