July 22nd, 2014 by Oliver Johnston
Just Plain Awful: Movies You Should Never Watch on a Date
You’re not going to win any points for originality by watching a movie while on a date, but sometimes the classic ideas are the best. Naturally, romantic comedies are the top pick and many couples on a date have probably watched Notting Hill and Love, Actually while pondering just how strange the world is when Hugh Grant is the king of the romantic comedy despite the fact he was arrested while receiving oral pleasure in the back seat of his BMW from a prostitute with the delightful name of Devine. Horror movies are also a safe bet, and everyone can shriek and will maybe need a comforting cuddle afterwards, and then when cuddling your hand goes… there, and your dates hand goes… there and before you know it, your date has a very happy ending.
Having said that, there are some movies that should most definitely not be watched while on a date, or technically be watched at all if you have any self-respect. Some of them are a little too out there, and some of them are just plain creepy. But if you’re the passive type who is too afraid to say that you don’t want to keep seeing a person, then maybe having a DVD night with some of these titles will make your date think you’re a freak and so they’ll be the one who stops seeing you. So if you’re the type of person who would rather be thought of as a stone cold weirdo with awful taste instead of saying, “I don’t think this is working,” then here are a few movie date ideas for you…
We’re not in the habit of suggesting that sex is the domain of the young, but in Quintet, the last film of screen legend Mae West, it really should be. The plot revolves around famous actress Marlo Manners (played by West), who arrives at a posh London hotel with her new husband Sir Michael Barrington (played by Timothy Dalton before he was James Bond). All the newly married couple want to do is to go to bed together, but they’re constantly interrupted by the appearance of several of her former husbands and lovers, not to mention an entire sports team, who also are overcome with lust for Marlo and want to jump into bed with her. Not the most thought out of plots, but the movie takes on a creepy vibe when you see that Mae West was 84 at the time of shooting and had a surgically enhanced face that made her look like she was melting. Her onscreen husband was 31 (Timothy Dalton was young and needed the money!) and most of her other beaus were even younger. West wasn’t in the best health when the movie was made, so perhaps she shouldn’t have chosen a musical. But hey, if you want to watch a woman in her 80’s creak roughly in time to music while a group of men (who all deserve Oscars) watch on as though she’s Angelina freaking Jolie, then Quintet is the movie for you.
Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
If you’re one of the two or three people who actually gave a crap about what happened to the characters from the original Basic Instinct, then you might have caught this one at the cinema. Sharon Stone reportedly had a “play or pay” option built into her contract, meaning that if the movie wasn’t made by a certain time, the producers would still have to pay her salary plus a hefty bonus. This movie looks as though the writers smoked a lot of weed, watched a lot of nasty porn and then wrote whatever sprang to mind. Stone reprises her role as mystery novelist/psychopath/woman who enjoys displaying her breasts Catherine Tramell, who starts the film being pleasured by a drugged out football player in a car as it drives dangerously fast, eventually going into the river with a “big splash” (subtle, isn’t it?). She’s then arrested and plays supposedly sexy games with her court appointed psychiatrist, played by David Morrissey. Michael Douglas, who was the male lead in the original Basic Instinct declined to appear in the sequel… at least, we think he declined. He was too busy laughing from reading the script to answer properly. There’s a lot of horribly un-erotic sex, some gratuitous violence where minor characters get killed and are lucky enough to no longer appear in the movie anymore. Sharon Stone takes her clothes off… a lot, and the film should have been called Basic Instinct 2: Sharon’s Still Got It!
Sex and the City 2 (2010)
It’s difficult to choose a low point in this film, although it probably happens fairly early on at a gay wedding, which has been so flamboyantly styled that it would make any self-respecting gay mad renounce his sexuality and run in the direction of the nearest vagina. Hmmm… perhaps SATC2 is nothing more than a propaganda tool developed by fundamentalist Christians looking to convert gay men to heterosexuality? Also at the wedding, Liza Minnelli shows up to sing a Beyonce song, and not once does a single character say, “Hey, why is that bewildered looking lizard in a black wig calling herself Liza Minnelli?” This thing is a train wreck from start to finish, and might actually be a good date movie, since it will bring you and your date together in hatred of the horrific superficiality and casual racism that litters this alleged film. The key plot point involves the four central characters (caricatures?) taking a trip to Abu Dhabi and the supposed culture clashes and adventures and whatever else happened during these scenes(I might have fallen asleep at some point, or my body simply shut down to protect itself). The Abu Dhabi scenes were actually filmed in Morocco, after Abu Dhabi authorities read the script and refused to have anything to do with the movie. If only the actresses had done the same.