July 8th, 2014 by Oliver Johnston
If Only They Were Gay… Australian Male Celebrities as Fantasy Boyfriends
Film and television is the stuff of fantasy and while we all know this, there have no doubt been moments when you’ve been watching something such as Mad Men and thought, “Damn – I wish my coworkers were this interesting.” Of course, there were probably moments when you were watching Sex and the City and thought, “Wow… I’m really glad my friends aren’t shrill, superficial, self-obsessed bores.” Film and TV also contributes to the idea of fantasy dates, and all gay men have an actor or celebrity that they’ve developed a little crush on, usually as a result of the roles they’ve played or the personality that comes across in interviews… leading us to think of how awesome it would be to have them on our arms, if only they were gay.
There were probably a fair few men who thought Tiger Woods would have made a charming and respectful boyfriend, and an equal number of gay men who became interested when it turned out he was into stuff that would make a battle hardened S&M prostitute say, “Nah… too much.” While Australia has a number of frankly adorable out male celebrities (we’re looking at you, Matthew Mitcham and Josh Thomas), there are still so many sexy famous straight men that led us to wonder what sort of boyfriends they would be… if only they was gay. Just to be clear – this is strictly wishful thinking, and we are in no way insinuating that any of these men are anything less that totally heterosexual. But hey, nobody’s perfect.
Although born in New Zealand, Australia has claimed Russell as their very own… for most of the time anyway. Australia wanted him when he won his Oscar, but were probably willing to hand him back to NZ when he allegedly threatened a BBC producer who cut footage of Russell reading a poem from an awards show telecast. Russell would be a rugged mans’ man, although phone sex with him might be a little aggressive, as in get down before he throws the phone at your head.
The gay allegations have followed Hugh for most of his career, but he’s held his hunky head high and continued to perform in musical theatre and stay married to a woman 13 years his senior. We’re really not saying anything about this – it’s a ridiculous double standard when media outlets point this out, and nobody gives a crap that Brad Pitt is 12 years older than Angelina Jolie. Hugh would be an awesome and easy going boyfriend though, and now please excuse us while we watch his shirtless scene in X Men: Days of Future Past for the 20th time. Two tickets to the gun show please.
Even in his comparatively young Crocodile Dundee days, Paul had a face like a leather jacket, and the years have not been kind. We know Paul isn’t actually Crocodile Dundee, but he will forever be associated with this delightful character, and this isn’t exactly a bad thing. Imagine all the romantic outback camping trips he would take you on (and we’re too mature to make a joke about romance “out the back.” Oh wait… no we’re not). And just think of how much fun you’ll have playing “That’s not a knife. This is a knife” with him, only using something other than knives…
When any actor dies, critics who were making sniffy remarks about the death of their career will do a 180 and talk about someone cut down in their prime. But it was an utter tragedy when Heath Ledger passed away at the age of 28, and he was a true talent capable of a kind of graceful masculinity that isn’t seen so much in cinema. Who hasn’t watched Brokeback Mountain and wanted that same kind of intensity in a relationship, no matter how forbidden it might have felt? Even his Joker in The Dark Knight was strangely sexy, because there’s something intoxicating about wanting to fix a damaged guy.
Oh Thor, can we play with your hammer? Chris Hemsworth is almost like the fantasy of Australian men that foreigners might have. He’s tall, tanned, blond and looks like he knows his way around a surfboard. He also looks like he could pick you up and carry you home when you’ve had too much to drink and lovingly put you to bed. Just think how safe you’d feel in those freakishly big strong arms. The Avengers: Age of Ultron and Thor 3 can’t come quickly enough! His younger brother Liam is also an actor, and might be a safer bet if you’re not confident about your looks. After all, he dated Miley Cyrus, so how picky can he be?
One of Hollywood’s most famous swashbucklers was a boy from Tasmania who, according to legend, was thrown out of school for a romantic entanglement with a female member of staff. There were whispers that Errol had a number of male lovers along the way, but there were shouts about the sheer volume of the ladies whose horizontal company he enjoyed over the years. If Errol was your boyfriend, you would need a hell of a lot of energy to keep up with his sexual appetites. You would also need good health insurance, since he apparently picked up rather a few STD’S along the way.
Best known to international audiences as The Mentalist, Simon is a true blue Aussie boy who has an undeniably smooth vibe to him. Sure, he was a bit of a bastard in The Devil Wears Prada, and eventually Anne Hathaway saw through his wicked ways. Whatever, Anne – get out of the way… we’ll be happy to take this bastard off your hands. There was also the innocently erotic male prostitute he played in LA Confidential that could have led to fantasies about what kind of research he might have done for the role. Sigh… If only.
Only if you have a weird reptile fetish.
(Image via discutivo on Flickr)