Score a major win for the Massholes here. I don’t normally care about celebrity weddings, but when the chick from Singled Out says yes to Boston’s own Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on The Block, I take notice.
I don’t want an invitation to this wedding, need it. Here’s 10 reasons why.
Have mercy. There has to be at least two 10’s in this bridal party with a few 9’s sprinkled in. Could possibly be the sexiest crop of women ever assembled.
9.) Give momma Wahlberg a hug.
Woman is a saint for raising Boston’s First Family. Don’t know where my childhood and now adult life entertainment would be if it wasn’t for them Wahlberg boys.
8.) Tom Selleck’s mustache.
Pretty sure Donnie’s Blue Bloods costar will be getting an invite to this fiesta. Other than Razor Ramon, there was no man who oozed more machismo than Tom Selleck. Love to crush beers with him during open bar while he tells Steve Guttenburg stories.
7.) Wahlburgers is catering.
You bet your ass that Wahlbergers is going to be catering this wedding. There’s nothing more Boston than inhaling Wahlburgers with the Wahlberg’s at their wedding while pounding Bud Lights.
6.) Find out what the hell happened to Chris Hardwick right after Singled Out.
Singled Out was the hottest show on MTV during my adolescence — the side kick to Jenny was Chris Hardwick. When the show went off air I didn’t think much of it, but 3 years later I remember seeing poor Chris hosting a show called Shipmates. Shipmates, really? Got to get the 411 from Jenny. Hardwick was Seacrest before Seacrest. A fall from grace this fast is mind boggling.
(Hardwick cameo at 40 second mark)
5.) The announcement of the wedding party.
Can you imagine how insane the introductions are going to be? You got crazy ass Jenny, with that no filter personality and New Kid Donnie’s history of performing at thousands of concerts — shits going to be hotter than the 1993 Chicago Bulls starting line up. I have goose bumps just thinking about it.
4.) The Joey McIntyre factor.
There’s always that one chick you exchange glances with all night — you keep telling you’re self you’ll eventually muster up the balls to go talk to her – till the moment you see her walking away and the connection is forever missed. Not tonight. That’s when I’m going to my ace in the hole. Run to the stage, grab the mic and yell out “Hey, you in the red dress! Do you have to leave?” Then hand the reigns over to Joey while providing backup vocals.
Power move, she ain’t leaving now.
3.) Paying respects to the inspiration of my first boner.
We all remember that time going through puberty when we found out what a boner was and how to get rid of it. Well, Jenny McCarthy got rid of countless boners for me growing up during her days on Singled Out. Before internet porn you had to resort to rubbing one out to basic cable – shit sucked. That hyper-ass blonde chick on MTV was the saving grace — sprouting inspirational boners all across America. Just to be in her presence would be an honor.
2.) Good rat tail talk.
There was no better rat tail in the game than Donnie’s. That flow made men jealous and bitches weak in the knees. #GOAT
1.) Best man speech.
All odds that Mark and Paul are the co best men, although my money’s on Mark doing all the talking. I never cry at weddings but seeing Marky Mark telling childhood stories about the growing up in Dorchester with Donnie is as emotional as it gets. Tear jerk city – wouldn’t miss it for the world. Well, maybe a Boston Bruins playoff game.