Dating & Relationship Blog

March 12th, 2014 by Jess Downey

When Someone Just Isn’t Quite Right: How to Deal

Their heart won't be this sad. I promise. Photo credit: Free Grunge Textures - www.freestock.ca (Flickr)

Their heart won’t be this sad. I promise.
Photo credit: Free Grunge Textures – www.freestock.ca (Flickr)

Breaking up sucks. It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking. It doesn’t matter if you’re the breaker or the breakee; it sucks. And it’s especially awful when you can’t put your finger on it, but you just know something about this person isn’t quite right.

I think it tends to be a little easier when you don’t click or want totally different things in life. It’s also easier when the person is obviously crazy or just a plain old douche bag. It gives you a solid reason as to why things could never work. And it makes you feel good (and confident) about your decision.

But sometimes none of those things exist and you really don’t have a concrete reason. You just know that something’s not quite right and you know that you don’t see a future with this person. And that’s when things get tricky.

At first you probably convince yourself that maybe you just need to give it more time or maybe he/she should just meet your friends and then you’ll change your mind. Maybe you’ll learn to like them more over time. Then you probably go through a stage where you think it’s you. Maybe you’re afraid of commitment. Maybe you’re being too quick to judge.  Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The honest truth is sometimes a person is a perfectly upstanding human being.  They’re nice and funny and you don’t have an awful time with them. But there is just something about them or the way you are together that doesn’t make them quite right for you. And it’s OK to end things when there is nothing obviously “wrong” with the person.

Let’s all take a moment to be honest here — it takes a lot more to like a person than them just being nice. And it surely takes more than that to want something substantial with them. There are many factors that go into that kind of thing and relationships are a big deal. It’s OK if you’re not feeling it and it’s OK if you can’t quite put your finger on it. The fact is sometimes people just don’t click and there’s no concrete explanation for it.

I know that in the beginning, it’s normal to be unsure and explore things. Ending things can be incredibly hard; especially when you’re ending things with someone who is a genuinely decent human being. And let’s try not to get too obsessed with sparks and connections. This isn’t some sort of fairytale thing.

But the truth is there comes a time when you know what you want or don’t want. And if your gut is telling you something isn’t right it probably isn’t and you don’t need to mull over it for weeks and weeks to create this grand explanation. It is what it is and, frankly, sticking around is unfair to everyone involved.

Break ups always seems to get a bad rap. People assume it’s mean or harsh or hurtful. But, actually, sometimes it’s the nice thing to do because you’re giving them a chance to go out and find someone who’s really sure about them. Someone who knows they want to be with them. How can that ever be a bad thing?

So, if you’re feeling like you should end things because things don’t feel quite right, do it. It might seem hard at first, but you’ll thank yourself in the long run. So will the other person. I promise.

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Jess is a freelance writer and online columnist living in New York City. She recently got engaged to the man of her dreams (whom she met online, of course!) and is always eager to share her online dating tips with the world.

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