Dating & Relationship Blog

February 17th, 2014 by Jess Downey

Why You Should Stop Looking for Clues

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We all know that liking someone can be a really scary thing. You wonder if they feel the same or where things will go. And it creates all that crazy fear that tends to drive a person crazy. It’s especially hard when you’ve been there before and it’s gone wrong. But actually, even if it’s gone right before it can be hard. When you’re in the beginning of things it’s scary because it’s new and there’s not a lot you can do about that.

I was thinking about this the other day and it led me to think about how people often look for clues about how another person feels. It’s usually because they are looking for a way to feel better or looking for a way to make things feel less scary. It seems like the logical thing to and I’m just as guilty as the next person. But, honestly, I think this is a really bad idea. When you look for clues, all you do is set yourself up for failure.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be aware of the things someone does to show they care. You should totally notice that kind of stuff. And when you have that AHA moment, run with it. But there is a difference between noticing the things that are going on around you and actually looking for something.

When you’re actively looking for clues, you kind of change the way you go about things. You end up setting things up so this person can deliver clues. You know, like sending a text and then being oh so certain about the way they’ll respond.

And that can cause a whole lot of issues.

No one ever responds the way we want them to because that’s just the way human interactions work. We don’t all think and behave the same way. So even if you set something up for the perfect delivery, it might never get there.

When the person doesn’t answer the “right” way, you assume there is something wrong. When in reality there is nothing wrong at all, they’re just giving the response that came to them.

Stuff just gets weird and annoying. Suddenly all your conversations revolve around you fishing for clues about feelings. It can even feel like you’re that gal (or guy) who only wants to talk about feelings which probably isn’t that same awesome gal he started dating (or guy she started dating).

It’s also unfair because it’s setting them up for failure too. And it’s making you think there are issues in the relationship that aren’t actually here. Clearly that’s just crazy pants.

So, honestly, if you’re confused about what someone thinks, ask them. Really. You don’t have to be weird about it or anything, but it’s OK to clear things up when you don’t understand. And if someone thinks that’s weird, you probably don’t want to be with them anyway, right?

You can also wait until the signs present themselves, naturally. Because they will, I promise. And, honestly, it’s a whole lot better when someone says something on their own and you have that AHA moment rather than them just saying it because you set it up that way. It’s kind of like fishing for compliments. Those are way better when they happen naturally too. It’s all far more genuine.

 

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Jess is a freelance writer and online columnist living in New York City. She recently got engaged to the man of her dreams (whom she met online, of course!) and is always eager to share her online dating tips with the world.

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