February 5th, 2014 by Alicia Drewnicki

Why Mr Nice Guy Finishes Last

nice guy
Gossiping with girlfriends, we always come back to the same debate, bad boy or nice guy? Sadly, it’s not that simple – both have attractive qualities, but it’s really tough to decide which man is right for us. Most would say that ‘Mr Nice Guy’ is always at the back of the line; however this does not mean that we condone the naughty antics of the bad boy.

Admittedly, there seems to be a positive correlation between being a bad boy and having success with the ladies; however it’s not actually the bad boys’ bad qualities that get them the girls. Believe it or not, there are actually several positive characteristics that bad boys possess that appear to be absent from the psyche of ‘Mr Nice Guy’. Here’s a guide to some of the useful things that Mr Nice Guy can learn from the ‘lucky in love’ bad boy.

1) That Dangerous Word – ‘Nice’
Nice guys, before you get the wrong idea, you should understand that the problem isn’t about you being nice; it’s about you misunderstanding how to use the word. The reason you’re not getting any action is because you’re openly defining yourself as unsexy by over-stressing your ‘niceness’.

Many things in life can be described as ‘nice’ – your childhood pet hamster was ‘nice’, apple crumble is ‘nice’ and the comforting warmth of thermal bed socks in winter is ‘nice’. Nice is good, but it’s just not very sexy. Do you like it when a girl says to you: “Aw you’re such a nice guy” or would you prefer her to say: “You’re really hot and I’d love to go out with you”? Exactly.

Have you ever had a girl confess to you: “You’re a really nice guy, but I only see you as a friend?” It was probably painful to hear, and most likely because you put the nice guy image of yourself in her head. If you’ve got more chance of being likened to Mr Bean than Sean Bean, it’s time to stop defining yourself as ‘a nice guy’ and let women judge your positive qualities for themselves.

2) Displaying Confidence
Whether they are hot or not, a quality that all successful ‘bad boys’ seem to possess is high self-confidence and let’s face it – confidence is very attractive. We all know plenty of nice guys who are extremely handsome, but it’s their lack of confidence that lets them down (as well as the fact that they are just too scared to talk to girls). Most of us don’t bite, trust me.

Imagine you’re a woman in a bar – would you be attracted to the guy who walks in tall and proud, or the guy who shuffles in around the perimeter of the room, nervously gripping on to his cuffs with sweaty palms, head pointing downwards and shoulders hunched forward? We’ll talk more about body language later though.

So why exactly do we love confidence so much? Well, if we consider basic human evolution – our intelligence has developed enormously over millions of years, however, surprisingly, our basic emotional needs have not changed that much at all. When people used to live in tribes, the alpha male of the group had the choice of which female he wanted to ‘mate with’. The chosen female would have been proud of being picked as she would have sought the male with the strongest survival characteristics in the first place (so she could pass these onto her children).

Now, even though times have changed radically, and women no longer need a man to have a baby (that’s another story), women are still incredibly attracted to assertive alpha males who display dominant characteristics. Naturally this confidence comes with age, when boys become men and are more worldly-wise – however boys, be aware it’s something we’re attracted to and if you have to, fake it!

A woman likes to feel protected, and something that self-confessed nice guys seem to lack is assertiveness. The solution to this problem is more than a large injection of testosterone and a surgical insertion of a backbone. ‘Mr Nice Guy’ just needs to ‘man up,’ and not feel queasy at the thought of a social interaction with a woman. As well as being confident, bad boys are often self-centred, unfaithful, selfish and dishonest – women certainly don’t admire these traits. Instead, we just want a decent guy who isn’t afraid to act strong and be a man.

3) Body Language
Bad boys have this thing called ‘swagger’ – it’s not just about how they walk; it’s their attitude and how they dress, talk and act. Guys with swagger don’t even have to be strikingly good looking – they are just absolutely certain that they can make women swoon using their confidence alone. When they enter a room, they will confidently walk up to any woman, without fear of rejection, and it often works! If you find it hard to approach women – you need to work on this and have more faith in yourself.

The ‘decent guy’ can have ‘swagger’ too – it’s all about having an attractive, justified confidence. So in terms of showing ‘swagger’ through body language – entrance is everything. We have already described (to put it mildly) the cuff-gripping socially inept geek. That’s what not to do, in addition to keeping the body as small and restricted as possible, avoiding eye contact, fiddling with clothing and other fumbling gestures that indicate a nervous disposition.

To summarise the body language of ‘the perfect entrance’ –you should walk in the room with your shoulders and back relaxed, keep your head up, maintain good eye contact and walk with self-assurance (slow big steps rather than a frantic shuffle). As for hands, they should definitely be out of pockets – and then when you meet a girl, don’t be afraid to touch (elbow not bum)!

Summary – What Women Want
If you’re fed up of watching your perfect girl get messed around by arrogant womanisers – be aware that this is probably because women often look for guys who are strong, assertive and not afraid to take charge. The problem with being ‘nice’ is that nice is sometimes seen as boring. Look up ‘nice’ in the dictionary and you’ll find the description of being ‘pleasant,’ ‘agreeable,’ and ‘respectable’ – these are all adjectives that would fittingly describe your Grandma.

We talked about animal instincts and what women really want – but this doesn’t mean you have to turn into Neanderthal man and drag a woman back into your house by her hair. Just try and display strong masculine characteristics rather than adopting a weaker role. In general, girls aren’t that keen on role reversal, and like to feel protected by the man they’re with rather than feeling they have to look up ‘self-defence techniques’ on YouTube before a night out with you.

A girl doesn’t want a guy who treats women like objects, is scared of the term monogamy and is a symbol of selfishness. However, at the same time, she doesn’t want a guy who has no awareness of his own identity, can’t think for himself and is a complete doormat. She wants a decent guy who displays a mixture of qualities – the positive ones that are associated with ‘the bad boy’ as well as Mr Nice Guy’s caring traits. Essentially, a woman wants a man who comes across as a confident gentleman.

Chivalry is not dead but it is sometimes hard to find – so be that guy who displays it. Open the door for her, buy her a drink, send flowers and show ‘romantic gestures’. However, don’t be a dribbling mess every time you see a pretty girl, have some self-respect and most importantly – be a man.

 

 

Alicia Drewnicki is a travel, fashion and lifestyle writer living in London who runs the site AliciaExplores.com. She's super interested in body language, exploring the world and writing about it all!

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