Single and Over 30: 5 Reasons Why Going Out on New Year’s Eve Sucks

By: Kevin Murray |

Full disclosure, I despise going out on New Years Eve – always have. I never understood the whole point of pretending you’re really, really excited for the calender to change to a new year – what’s the big deal? The only time it made sense to me when it was 1999 and the media made us think computers were gonna ruin the world with Y2K. I will admit, it was pretty boss grinding chicks to Prince’s 1999 over and over again with the notion the world might end that night. Unfortunately, Prince & the Revolution isn’t waking through that door to save me in a few hours. Yup, I’m dusting off the mothballs and going out for New Years Eve. Why? I actually have no idea. Figured going out was better than sitting in watching my Facebook news feed fill up with all my married friends showing off their kids and taking selfie pics holding wine glasses – bar scene probably won’t be better by much though. Here are the 5 reasons why I already know NYE 2014 is going to suck.

1. Cover charge at the door.

It does’t matter if it’s the biggest dive bar in the world – they’re gonna run your wallet dry. Not sure why I need to pay $50 to $100 dollars to get in, when 99% of the people willingly toss their money at the bar all night. Isn’t that enough? No, wait. That’s right. Someone has to pay a DJ to mix Ke$ha and Pitbull jams for 5 hours straight.

2. Lines outside.

People in warm climates don’t have to deal with this issue you but let me tell you, there’s no bigger motivation to go home than the negative 15 degree windchill waiting in a line that’s four dozen people deep. The only thing keeping you motivated are the college coeds rocking mini skirts and the 4 bud lights you chugged before leaving the house, keeping you buzzed warm.

3. Douche bags inside.

NYE is the Super Bowl of douche bags. It’s an endless supply of the most creepy A-holes you can think of. You basically have 3 versions of this guy. There’s the college age kid who grabbed a hoodie and a dirty pair of jeans off the floor to go along with his sweat stained backwards hat. Next we have the late 20’s guy trying to hold on to the little glory he has left before he has a couple of mistake babies and gets married to make the relationship honest. Lastly, we’ve got the overly dressed 30 something guy like myself, needing to come out of retirement to avoid the depression of staying in alone and watching Seacrest drop the ball.

4. Chicks that dress in slut costumes and then act like they hate all the attention.

I’m not the kinda guy that goes after women with low cut shirts and mini skirts so short they’d make Daisy Duke blush (total bullshit). But, I love people watching and there’s no better entertainment than seeing a train of overzealous college bros continuously throw their names in the “I want to hit that” hat – then seeing the facial expressions from the  women as they verbally rip them to shreds once they leave. Dress how you want. All I’m saying is dressing like that on NYE is similar to dropping a piece of meat into a hungry wolf pack. Don’t act all surprised and irritated when those douches wolves converge on you.

5. That lost puppy look alone dudes have when the ball drops. 

Yes! Here it is! We’ve waited all night for this moment! Then you realize everyone is starting to pair off in partners like a square dance. Guys who have no one to kiss get this sad look accompanied by a forced awkward smile as the ball drops. You try to act like you don’t care until you look over at the 22 year-old tool who’s locking lips with a half decent looking chick. I’ve been both the tool and the lost puppy, although both sides lose at the end of the night really. It’s always a good idea to make out with a random girl in the moment – until you see her french two other guys and later find out she was MIA for 20 minutes cause she was projectile vomiting in the bathroom. Yum.

Well, I gotta run. Look for me if you’re heading out tonight – I’ll be the midlife crisis guy who gets waaaay to excited when Livin on a Prayer comes on.