December 12th, 2013 by Len Cruz
Do You (Or Your Crush) Suffer From Love-Shyness?
Breaking News: He is into you! He just doesn’t have the balls to admit it.
With all the analyzing women (regardless of age) do about every single move a man does, oftentimes, gutlessness is miscalculated. They are misconstrued as being an insensitive arse or just downright apathetic. Most likely, he’s neither. Chances are, he’s just really, really shy.
Brian G. Gilmartin (Psychology professor) coined a term for this unfortunate hindrance to a would-be good relationship: Love-Shyness. Simply put, the person’s too shy to allow himself/herself to have an intimate relationship (a date even) with another.
It affects 60 million people worldwide. The digit is miniscule given the fact that there are billions of souls roaming the earth, but if one of them is your man, then in your eyes, this number is massive.
Okay, let us ask you first this question before we go any further: Do you want him?
If your answer is a resounding “yes!” then take him. Here’s how:
Change your The-World-Owes-Me attitude
Stop being too much of a ‘taker’. Many often say that if someone truly likes you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. Here’s the reality: we are born different. A few can be like that, but not all. He has things to do to live aside from laying his world at your feet, y’know?
Doing one’s best is highly subjective. Your definition of best is him flying 20,000 miles just to give you a bouquet of peonies tied with silk and peppered with glitters. To him, ‘best’ is saying hi without turning beet red and stuttering.
See the difference?
Don’t be aggressive
Yes, we said that you should take him but you have to do it without being creepy. Men who are timid value subtlety. Let him know that you like him by using the art of finesse. Avoid being touchy-feely unless you see signs that he’s okay with it. Start by ‘accidentally’ brushing his hand with yours or touch his forearm while pretending to stabilize your stance. Basically, you just don’t want to freak him out. If you feel that he’s too scared to ask you for another date, make your move. “Oh, you like going to museums too? There’s a new installation at MoMa. Do you want to criticize it with me this Friday?”
Keep it light
Don’t delve into the heavy. Keep your conversations light and cheerful. Ask him about his day or the things he likes. Make him open up to you. Once he becomes more comfortable, start injecting personal questions.
Really listen. Most often than not, these types of men are more sincere than the confident ones. The latter are experts in getting a woman’s attention by saying things that she wants to hear. The former, given their low self-esteem and little love for verbosity, will only utter what is necessary and true. Also, pay attention to his stories and let him know the next time you see him that you remember what he said.
Give him compliments that come from the heart. Saying thank you is good, but being specific is much better. For example, if you like where he took you for dinner, tell him why you like the place and what made your first date special. This is also one way for him to get to know the type of things you prefer without him asking for it.
Don’t easily dismiss shy guys. It is not a disease that needs to be cured. There’s more to them than meets the eye. Susan Cain (author of Quiet) said it best: “I worry that there are people who are put in positions of authority because they’re good talkers, but they don’t have good ideas. It’s so easy to confuse schmoozing ability with talent. Someone seems like a good presenter, easy to get along with, and those traits are rewarded. Well, why is that? They’re valuable traits, but we put too much of a premium on presenting and not enough on substance and critical thinking.”
Now, translate everything in the world of dating. See?