There’s nothing worse than meeting someone you like, only to discover that their apartment looks like the uni-bomber’s crash pad. As much as we try and convince ourselves otherwise, decor matters. I’m of the belief that a person’s space and how they maintain it is a reflection of who they are as a person and what they’re going to be like as a partner. Here are a few apartment red-flags that you should watch out for –
1. A sink overflowing with crusty dishes –
If it feels like I’m going to get e-coli just by standing in your kitchen, it doesn’t exactly make me want to make out with you. Just saying.
2. The 3 ft tall laundry pile that resembles the trash heap from Fraggle Rock –
Everyone has dirty laundry – literally. However, if it looks like you only do your wash bi-annually (or god forbid, your mom still does it!), I have a hard time imagining how you’re going to keep up with dating me. Plus, it’s gross.
3. Carpeting that you’re afraid to walk on with bare feet –
If your carpeting is the kind of bio hazard that makes me think, “Hey, I haven’t had a tetanus shot in a while!”, there’s a very good chance we’re going to make it as a couple, let alone see each other naked.
4. A floor that hasn’t seen the light of day in who knows how long –
You know what’s almost as bad as scary floors? When you can’t see the floors at all. Nothing kills the romance like having to move a pile of dirty gym clothes and a stack of TV Guides just so that you have room to make-out.
5. Dishes that are broken or received for free –
If all of your “stemware” looks like some version of the above and/or was received as a reward for eating or drinking something wildly unhealthy, I’m going to assume one of two things: a) you still live in a frat house & b) you’re not a fully functioning adult. If you’re looking to impress people, invest in a proper set of dishes. You & your future dates are worth it.
6. Beard trimmings in the sink, on the counter, anywhere really –
Dude, that’s just gross. No one needs to see that!
7. A single bed –
Unless you’re living in a college dorm room, or enjoy things like neck cramps and falling out of bed in the middle of the night, there’s no reason to own a single bed as an adult.
8. A king sized bed with only one pillow –
Nothing says, “I just want to sleep alone tonight and all nights” like a giant bed with one pillow.
9. Drug paraphernalia –
I’m not interested in dating the second coming of Cheech and/or Chong. Bongs, posters festooned with ganja leaves and the like are all items that send me running for the hills.
10. Bizarro window coverings –
If you have sheets, flags or scarves stapled up as curtains, or worse, no curtains at all, I’m going to assume that something is very wrong in your life. It’s time to get to an Ikea to buy curtains and an actual curtain rod. It’s likely the best $20 you’ll ever spend.
11. Beer bottles as room accents –
Because, nothing signals romance like the sight and smell of beer bottles everywhere.
12. An empty fridge & cupboards –
If I open your fridge and it’s completely empty it makes me think that you just use your apartment as a glorified motel room instead of an actual home – aka not exactly conducive to building a relationship. At the very least your fridge should have some filtered water and a few condiments. Otherwise I’m going to assume that you’re a serial killer or merely passing through as you run from the mob.
13. Welcome to Mold City – Oh wait, there is something worse than an empty fridge: one that hasn’t been cleaned in so long it looks like it’s about to sprout a new species. Shudder.
14. Cartoon or superhero bedding –
Man of steel? I think not.
15. Prominently displayed photos or artwork of your ex –
That sexy painting you had done of you & your ex – guess what?- you should put that away. We all have photos of our exes, just make sure you keep them away from future dates.
16. Sex toys, underwear or pornography lying around in plain review –
We all have um, a few questionable items in our home. That doesn’t mean they should be on display. Keep your sexy time items stashed away.
17. You’re more afraid to touch the hand soap in the bathroom than go without –
19. Stuffed animals on the bed –
Um, doesn’t leave much room for romance does it?!
ONE THOUSAND TIMES THIS.