As you hit 30 your single friends drop like flies. It seems like every couple of months you’re preparing to go to another wedding – which is blast as an eligible bachelor. You get to hang with your friends, abuse your liver and eat crab cakes until you can’t move – all while lookin fresh to death in your buy one-get-one free Men’s Warehouse suit #BOSS. Weddings are the quintessential spot to interact with a spectrum of emotional people. This is the time where we’re all supposed to “settle down” and find “the one!” Ugh, here’s a glance at who you’ll probably run into through the eyes of a 30 something bachelor.
The single guy who thinks he’s god’s gift to women
The first words out of this guys mouth are his thoughts on which bridesmaids he wants to stick his dick in. He struts around with the arrogance that every chick in attendance wants him, as if you couldn’t tell by the condescending permasmirk he’s sporting. If you’re not friends with this guy, you’ll probably want to punch him square in the face before the nights over.
The newly engaged couple version 1 (Happy)
These little love birds are so happy it almost makes you want to puke. They spend 99% of their time looking around, stealing ideas for their own wedding – crafting a master plan of what they want and don’t want. Actually, it’s pretty much the woman ranting and her fiance just sitting there, nodding his head knowing he really has no say in the matter anyway. “Ohh, ohh! Lets wipe cake on each other! Just don’t get it in my hair or I’ll kill you.” Sure babe, sounds good.
The newly engaged couple version 2 (Miserable)
Watch out for this couple at the end of the night. The more the drinks flow the better chance you’ll have of seeing an emotionally suppressed – throw-down. Throughout the day their underlying emotions and issues with each other rise to the surface, making them question their own upcoming nuptials. Mix in a lot of wine and having to watch the bride cut the cake and it’ll be sure to create a spark to ignite that unstable emotional tinder.
The married couple with kids
A night free of the kids with an open bar – where do we sign up?! Their RSVP was sent back so quick the ink was still fresh on the invite. Sneakily this is the couple most likely to get shithoused. No, not the single former frat bros – the married with children tag team is taking first place on this. These two are partying hard tonight, then screwing like rabbits once they get back to the hotel room.
The single girl (probably a bridesmaid) who’s hyper-sensitive thinking about the delay on her 5 year plan
We all feel the social pressure of finding a significant other as we get older. Although, women feel this pressure a hell of a lot more than men – especially at a wedding. Now they’re going to handle this pressure two ways, hook up with hottest single guy they can find or cry at the end of the night (possibly both). Just feed her wine and send her over to the douche-bag who thinks he’s god’s gift to women – they’ll cancel each other out.
Numbers in the bachelor club are dwindling – you’re the last of a dying breed. Soon your own wedding day will come. Until then, creep on all the bridesmaids and single chicks while you can and fight the good fight.